Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"
"I found the remote," he said.
It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.”Now try lifting your dress up your thighs.” This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut.
“Now, tell HIM you have a headache!”
My wife came home with a new pair of shoes,
“I’ve bought a pair of fсuк me shoes, ” she said,
“great, get them on and lets get upstairs, ” I said,
“no, it’s not those type, it’s the type that are going to make you say, ‘Fсuк me!’ when you see the price, ” she replied.
A former рrоsтiтuте with a rather well used vаginа that has been somewhat stretched, is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night.
She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.
Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.
On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child; she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vаginа is so big.
They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, “I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?”