Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

A man and his wife are talking:
Man - "What would happen if I were to win the lottery?"
Woman - "I would take half and leave you in a heartbeat!"
Man - "I won twelve dollars, here's six now get out!"

0

0

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!

0

0

Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today. The counsellor asked us; “What seems to be the problem?”
“Well,” I said, “Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic.”

0

0

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

0

0

I bought my wife a diamond ring and she promised аnаl sеx in return.
“This wasn’t quite what I had in mind,” I said, as she introduced me to Paul, her hairdresser.

0

0

My bride looked absolutely beautiful stood at the altar with a tear running down her cheek.
Apparently.

0

0

I hear from one guy -- who I don't even think I'm seeing anymore -- calls me out of the blue and then says, 'It's only been two weeks.' I'm thinking, 'Two weeks?! Do you know what that is in girl years? We're talking six, seven, eight, nine years, hon.'

0

0

The wife stormed through the door earlier shouting about how I don’t lift a finger in the house, so i did…the middle one!

0

0

I hate the effects of middle age.
I kind of expected the вееr belly, sagging skin, lack of libido and baldness but I thought it would happen to me, not my wife.

0

0

I’ve told my wife she should try posting a few of her jokes on here; she’s always coming out with these hilarious one-liners.
Like the other night, after she finished performing оrаl sеx on me, she said “Now do me.”
Classic.

0

0

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
“Воllоскs!” I said. “I didn’t even know it was your birthday.”

0

0

A man and his wife had been arguing all day. As evening approached, they decided it would be best if they didn't speak for a while.
The evening passes and as they are reading themselves for bed, the husband remembers that he has an early morning meeting. Not wanting to be the first to break their silence, he writes a note, asking his wife to wake him at 6 AM, then leaves it on her makeup table where she is certain to see it.
He goes to bed with a smile on his face, knowing that when she woke him, she wold speak first and loose the argument.
He wakes in the morning and is angered to see that it is after 9. He stalks to his wife's makeup table to see if she had seen his note.
Next to the note he had written was a note she wrote. It said,
"Wake up!"

0

0

Billy was divorcing his wife Sadie After two months of waiting, his case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked billy, “So how old are you?”
“I’m 45 years old, your Honor.”
The judge replied, “Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?”
“I’m 45 years old, your Honor,” answered Billy again.
“Well,” said the judge, “you’re not being truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you’re almost 65.”
“But your Honor,” replied billy “I’m not counting the last 20 years with my wife.
“Why not?” asked the judge.
“You call that living?” replied billy

0

0

I must give my wife credit. She has mastered the mannequin challenge.
She does it every time we have sеx.

0

0

A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss.

0

0

All men are idiots... And I married their king.

0

0

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

0

0

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer recliner.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Beauty is in the eyes of the вееr holder.
Wouldn't it be great if there was as an "edit undo" button in life?
If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years you'll be in upper management!
I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is until I found out that her first name was Always!
No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example.
I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up!
I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short.

0

0