Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

I hear from one guy -- who I don't even think I'm seeing anymore -- calls me out of the blue and then says, 'It's only been two weeks.' I'm thinking, 'Two weeks?! Do you know what that is in girl years? We're talking six, seven, eight, nine years, hon.'

0

0

The wife stormed through the door earlier shouting about how I don’t lift a finger in the house, so i did…the middle one!

0

0

I hate the effects of middle age.
I kind of expected the вееr belly, sagging skin, lack of libido and baldness but I thought it would happen to me, not my wife.

0

0

My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
“Воllоскs!” I said. “I didn’t even know it was your birthday.”

0

0

A man and his wife had been arguing all day. As evening approached, they decided it would be best if they didn't speak for a while.
The evening passes and as they are reading themselves for bed, the husband remembers that he has an early morning meeting. Not wanting to be the first to break their silence, he writes a note, asking his wife to wake him at 6 AM, then leaves it on her makeup table where she is certain to see it.
He goes to bed with a smile on his face, knowing that when she woke him, she wold speak first and loose the argument.
He wakes in the morning and is angered to see that it is after 9. He stalks to his wife's makeup table to see if she had seen his note.
Next to the note he had written was a note she wrote. It said,
"Wake up!"

0

0

Wedding cake…
One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

0

0

Billy was divorcing his wife Sadie After two months of waiting, his case was finally being heard in Court.
The judge asked billy, “So how old are you?”
“I’m 45 years old, your Honor.”
The judge replied, “Please answer my question honestly. How old are you?”
“I’m 45 years old, your Honor,” answered Billy again.
“Well,” said the judge, “you’re not being truthful. It’s written down here that you were born in August 1940 and that means you’re almost 65.”
“But your Honor,” replied billy “I’m not counting the last 20 years with my wife.
“Why not?” asked the judge.
“You call that living?” replied billy

0

0

I must give my wife credit. She has mastered the mannequin challenge.
She does it every time we have sеx.

0

0

A honeymoon is a vacation a man takes before starting work under a new boss.

0

0

All men are idiots... And I married their king.

0

0

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.

0

0

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You can keep those other breeds of dogs. I got myself a laborer recliner.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
Beauty is in the eyes of the вееr holder.
Wouldn't it be great if there was as an "edit undo" button in life?
If you are incompetent, don't worry. Just think, in a few years you'll be in upper management!
I thought that it was pretty cool when I married Miss Wright; that is until I found out that her first name was Always!
No one is ever totally useless. They can always serve as a bad example.
I'm 39 years old, and I see absolutely no advantage to growing up!
I just checked a height/weight chart and found out that I am 4 inches too short.

0

0

My wife has just accused me of having sеx with her identical twin sister.
I said, “Don’t be sтuрid, I don’t even fancy the ugly вiтсh.”

0

0

People ask me, “George, you’ve been happily married now for 40 years. What’s your secret?”
And I say, “You’ll have to speak up, I’m as deaf as a post.”

0

0

Jolene had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance. She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.
A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, "We were all so glad that the fire was confined to the kitchen."

0

0

Has any one else left for work at six in the morning, while the missus is still in bed, got home at six in the evening, to find her sat on the sofa with a cup of tea, and had to listen to her tell the story of her day and why SHE is so tired?

0

0

Husband: Look dear, I just bought us one of those plug in air fresheners. But for some reason it's not working.
Wife: It's not plugged in.
Husband: You mean I have to plug it in for it to start freshening the air?
Wife: It's a plug in air freshener. How can it work if you don't plug it in?
Husband: It makes no scents!

0

0

Today my wife filed for divorce because of my cheating.
“For fсuк sake,” I said. “It’s only a game of chess!”

0

0