In 1940 two men were flying from New York to Los Angeles on what was then a new DC-3. The left New York and when they landed in Philadelphia, a red truck drove up to put fuel into the wing.
A little while later, they landed in Pittsburgh and, again, a red truck pulled up to fill the tanks with fuel.
Each time they landed to discharge or take on passengers, a red truck would pull up and add fuel to the tanks. Finally, after landing in Kansas City and seeing truck pull up again, one said to the other, "we sure are making good time."
Said the other, "yes, we are, and so is that red truck!"
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven."
To the first man the Lord asked,
"How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked,
"How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked,
"So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump!
“Stop,” he yelled, “Remember you’re someone who has value!”
The man yelled back, “I just lost everything of value in the stock market!”
“But remember you’re important to your wife,” yelled the Texan.
“She divorced me, the freakin’ вiтсh.”
“Your children! Remember your children,” yelled the Texan.
“They never call,” said the man.
“Then your parents. Remember your parents,” yelled the Texan.
“Dead as doornails,” replied the man.
“Then ‘Remember the Alamo’, ” yelled the Texan.
“What’s the Alamo?” inquired the man.
And the Texan replied:
“Go ahead and jump, you Yankee sonuvabitch!”
A suspicious looking man drove up to the border where he was greeted by a sentry. When the guard looked in the trunk, he was surprised to find six sacks bulging at the seems.
“Whats in here?” he asked.
“Dirt,” the driver replied.
“Take them out,” the guard ordered. “I want to check them out”
Obliging, the man removed the bags, and, sure enough, each one of them contained nothing more than dirt. Reluctantly, the guard let him go. For the next two months, the same guy came back each week, each time with sacks of dirt in his trunk and each time the guard searched them to find nothing more there. Finally, the guard became so frustrated he quit his job and became a bartender. Then one night the suspicious looking man came in for a drink. Hurrying towards him, the former guard said, “Listen, pal, drinks are on the house tonight if you’ll do me a favor: Just tell me what the fсuк you were smuggling all that time.”
Grinning broadly, the man leaned close to the bartender’s ear and whispered, “Cars”