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Salary is like a period - you wait for it a whole month and it ends in a week.

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‘Darling, will you catch me if I jump into the water?' ‘Darling, if I say yes, will you jump?

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I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

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Most men know that women dream of having two men at the same time. But they don't understand that in those fantasies one man is cleaning the house and the other one is cooking.

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Never trust a man that says,
"Trust me." and never trust a woman that says "It's fine."

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What food describes most men? Jerky.

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You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.

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I have a twin sister; she's a lеsвiаn -- hold your applause... I think it's kinda my fault though. I'm a little bit of a sеxuаl orientation Svengali. When we were younger, we were watching kd lang sing at the Grammy's, and I was like, 'Oh my God, look at that guy, he's so hot,' and she's like, 'He is cute. Who is he?' and I was like, 'That's a girl -- you're gаy.' She was.

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What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner? When the power goes off.

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Where the woman's neck ends the infinity begins.

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Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

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She's not just going to walk up to your house; she's going to try to sneak her way in. She's going to say, 'Girl, let me bring back those brown shoes I borrowed.' You tell her, 'Throw those shoes in the yard and keep rolling because you ain't coming up in here.'

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Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.

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Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!

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Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets оrаl sеx, no matter how bad it is.

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They're so sweet in Boston; they're so delicate and tender... They come up to me, and they're like, 'Nice тiтs!' And then we hug 'cause I feel pretty.

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Can anyone in this room explain to me why Tampax needs a website? That's the last place any woman wants to be when she's bleeding.

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Avoid arguments about the toilet seat... Use the sink...

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