Military Jokes About The Army, And Air Force

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Two Mexicans soldiers are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…
“Luis Luis mi amigo…what ees it?
“Pepe…ees not a bacon tree…
Ees,
Ees,
Ees,
Ees,
Eees…. a Ham Bush.

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The new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but about 5 a. M. she went to sleep. When he opened his eyes he found the day officer standing before him. Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

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There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was “war”.
The first person comes up onto the stage and says, “I’m an atomic bomb.” He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, “I’m a hydrogen bomb.” Again, there’s applause and he steps down.
And then a nакеd little man comes up to the stage, all pink in the stage lights and says, “I’m dynamite.”
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, “Didn’t you see how small his fuse was?”

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The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure".
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,".
4. You ask for Viаgrа. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual вrеаsт exam conducted at Ноотеrs.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rестаl thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an over-sized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

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Last christmas I got some toy soldiers,
To play with when I’m in bed,
But I got bored with my seargents and majors,
So I played with my privates instead.

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The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked,
"Grandpa, did you ever кill anyone in the war?"
"No champ, I never did."
"That's a good thing."
"You're telling me," began grandpa, "I was the cook!"

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My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20's, and the man she was dating left for war. "We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."

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At a local derby between Arsenal and Spurs last season, a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.
“There’s nothing to worry about, lad,” said the elderly chap standing next to him…
“It’s like the bombs during the war. You won’t get hit unless the bottle’s got your name on it.”
“That’s just what I’m worried about…,” said the fаn,“…my name’s Johnny Walker.”

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Virginity like bubble, one рriск, all gone.
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Man who run in front of car get tired
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Man who run behind car get exhausted.
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Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
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Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright оrgаn.
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Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
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Man with one chopstick go hungry.
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Man who scratch аss should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong: man with four ваlls cannot walk.
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Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
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War do es not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one sсrеw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hеll, bound to get there.
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Man who stand on toilet is high on рот.
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget

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Trump and Cruz are sitting in a bar…
A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman, ‘Hey, ain’t that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?’
The bartender says, ‘Yep, that’s them.’
So the guy walks over and says, ‘Wow, what an honor! What are you guys doing in here?’
Trump says, ‘We’re planning World War III.’
The guy says, ‘Really? Whaddaya think you’ll do?’
Trump says, ‘Well, we’re planning to кill 140 million Muslims, and a stunning blonde with a Double-D rack.’
The guy exclaims, ‘A beautiful blonde with double-D rack? You’re shittin’ me. Why кill a gorgeous blonde with big тiтs?’
Trump turns to Cruz, and says, ‘See? I told you, no one gives a shiт about 140 million Muslims.’

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A famous scientist developed a formula to bring statues to life.
He went to a local park to try it out on a statue of Gen. Ulysses Grant.
After application, Gen Grant began to move and soon was completely alive.
The scientist asked,
"What's the first thing you'll do, General?"
The general answered while drawing his pistol "I'm going to кill about a million dамn pigeons!"

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How do two Navy Admirals greet each other?
A NAVAL Salute.

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I told my friend I wanted to join the military. My friend told me that the coast guard wouldn’t take me because I’m not six feet tall.
"Why does a person need to be six feet tall?" I asked.
He said,
"That way if your boat goes down you can wade to shore."

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On the base a Private First Class (PFC) was working in the car repair shop. The phone rang. He answered. The man on the phone asked,
"When will my car be fixed?"
The PFC replied, "Can't talk now I am working on some annoying General's car."
The man asked,
"Do you know who this is?"
"No."
"This is the ANNOYING GENERAL!"
The PFC quickly asked,
"Well, do you know who this is?"
"No."
"Good, goodbye!"

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Soldier 1: I cannot feel my legs!
Soldier 2: That's because you arms have been вlоw off

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When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long compliance form came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. So I read and initialed it.
A few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read, "You are not permanently assigned to this unit. Thus, you are not an authorized signer and you should not be initialing this form. Now please erase your initials and then initial your erasure."

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My dad fought in World War II, and he never talks about it, of course -- 'cause he's Japanese.

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A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.
The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another sеамаn approached him with a message from the captain.
He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make Sure The Captain Is Aboard Before Getting Under Way."

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