A post man had been working all day in the pouring rain he was almost finished apart from 1 last letter he had to deliver, he had to take it 2 miles down a small country road . By the time he got there he was soaked through, muddy and sore. He entered the garden, closed the gait and turned round to be greeted by to huge paws landing on his chest . There was a massive 10 stone Rottweiler standing in front of him ( did his вuм go boo or what!). He was terrified , just then the window of the house opened and a little old lady said” don’t worry sonny just kick his ваlls”. He said”what!”, she said kick his ваlls he likes that”. This post man had on regulation size 12 military steel toe cap boots, 18 lace holes and football size studs , he went WALLOP and booted dog square in the ваlls, the dog went ” how, how , how houuuuuuuu” and collapsed with its knees knocking together. The old lady said ” your in fcukin trouble now”. He said “why” she said I meant his ваlls on the grass beside you !”.
A newspaper reporter went to interview an old man who was the last person in the county to have lived through the Civil War. Thinking he had a story, the reporter started asking some questions. "Sir, you have lived through the civil war and two world wars. You have seen the invention of the automobile and the airplane. In all of your days, what would you say is the single most interesting thing you have seen in all of your days?"
The man replied, "The Thermos."
Puzzled, the reporter asked,
"Why?"
"Well," the old man responded, "when you put something hot in it, it keeps it hot. When you put something cold in it, it keeps it cold... HOW DOES IT KNOW?"
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don’t take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don’t know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I’d forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying “Hello.”
I politely said, “This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?” Suddenly, a manic voice yelled out in my ear “Get the right f**in’ number!” And the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn’t believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn’s correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the “wrong” number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, “You’re an a**hole!” and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word ‘a**hole’ next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I’d call him up and yell, “You’re an a**hole!” It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ‘аsshоlе’ calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, “Hi, this is John Smith from Telstra. I’m calling to see if you’re familiar with our Caller ID Program?” He yelled “NO!” and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re аrsеhоlе!”
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
Patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I’d been waiting for that spot, but the idiот ignored me. I noticed a “For Sale” sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first аsshоlе (I had his number on speed dial), I thought that I’d better call the BMW аsshоlе, too. I said, “Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?”
“Yes, it is”, he said.
“Can you tell me where I can see it?” I asked.
“Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It’s a yellow house, and the car’s parked right out in front.”
“What’s your name?” I asked.
“My name is Don Hansen,” he said.
“When’s a good time to catch you, Don?”
“I’m home every evening after five.”
“Listen, Don, can I tell you something?”
“Yes?”
“Don, you’re an аsshоlе!” Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two arseholes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called аrsеhоlе #1.
“Hello.”
“You’re an аsshоlе!” I said, but I didn’t hang up.
“Are you still there?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said.
“Stop calling me,” he screamed.
“Make me,” I said.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“My name is Don Hansen.”
“Yeah? Where do you live?”
“A**hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front.”
He said, “I’m coming over right now, Don, and you’d better start saying your prayers.” I said, “Yeah, like I’m really scared, аrsеhоlе,” and hung up.
Then I called аrsеhоlе #2.
“Hello?” he said.
“Hello, аrsеhоlе,” I said.
He yelled, “If I ever find out who you are…”
“You’ll what?” I said.
“I’ll kick you’re аrsе,” he exclaimed.
I answered, “Well, аrsеhоlе, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now.”
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to кill my gаy lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two arseholes beating the сrар out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.
Anger management really works.
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.
"Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."
This he did, and the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said,
"Prepare three envelopes.".
The president of Mexico back, in the 80’s, locked in the entire senate one good day.
“No one leaves till we have a solution to our crumbling economy!!”
3 days they discussed plans, but to no avail.
Finally, on day 4, one congressmen stands up and excitedly announces he has a plan!!!
“We’ll declare war on the USA.” he announced
“WHY would we want to do THAT?” asked the shocked president.
“Well,” explained the young man, “then they’ll invade us and we will become THEIR problem. We”ll be added to their welfare, the food stamps, the unemployment…see????”
The room exploded with men and women agreeing with the plan, but the President looked unconvinced…
“What is wrong with the plan?” asked the Vice president
“Well… it is all fine and good… but what happens if we win??
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement:
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Not only that, but....
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size вuтт.
The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"
The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Marines then exclaimed,
"Dамn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"