Military Jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular

Anant was in the army. During the war with Pakistan, Anant used his
intelligence to кill many Pakistani soldiers. He would hide behind the
bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier
named Imran Khan would get up to say 'I am here !' Then Anant would shoot him down. This went on till Anant almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly!
Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Anant was killing all his soldiers by fooling them. So he decides to use Anant's own method to кill him and starts calling him names like Anant etc.
Anant realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick,
suddenly says 'Who called me ?' and the Commander gets up to say 'I called you.'
Anant shoots him also down!

0

0

Stormtrooper: What should we do with about the failed plan?
Palpatine: Sсrеw it

0

0

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands for money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “Yes sir, I did.”
The robber shot him in the head, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, “Did you see me rob this bank?”
The man replied, “No sir, I didn’t, but my wife did!”

0

0

Rey: Join me Ben you don’t have to be alone anymore, join me. Ben: But Rey, Ive always been solo.

0

0

Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.

0

0

You might be a redneck if The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

0

0

After a bitter marketing war, in which prices were continually being undercut, Birdseye and the Green Giant got together to settle their differences at a Peas Conference.

0

0

I’m sure you can’t imagine
it’s as simple as can be
the place is very private
the players are he and she
She whispers softly it will hurt
of course not he replied
It’s just a simple proscess
lay back and close your eyes
She say’s I’m rather frightned
I’ve never done this before
He wanted to continue
it won’t hurt much more
It’s getting rather painfull
as tears come to her eyes
it’s hurting something awful
it must be quite a size
Calm yourself my darling
the pleasure refolds your sin
Now open slightly
so I can fit more in
Suddenly with a jerk
she gave a shout
Now that it’s all over with
He slowly pulled it out
Now if you read this carefully
you will find
it’s not what you think
it’s just your dirтy mind
It is just a visit to the dentist!!!

0

0

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified
10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.
9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen's character on "The West Wing."
8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is "That Bob Vila guy."
7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.
6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.
5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, "The state or the DC thingie?"
4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, "You wanna wrestle?!?"
3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.
2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, "I win!"
….. and the Number 1 Sign Your Presidential Candidate Is Under-Qualified..
1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

0

0

Niggеr walks into the doctors with a frog on his head… The doctor asks:
- “And what’s the problem here?”
To which the frog replies:
“It started a couple of weeks ago with a blackhead on my аrsе!”
I took my biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently “young blacks” and “Romanian gypsies” were not the correct answers.
I was on my computer earlier when the screen suddenly went black. I suppose I should elaborate. When I say “went black” I mean it stopped working. It didn’t go and stab an old lady and nick her purse.
A black man tried to steal my car as I was driving. I was going pretty fast, but the cheeky сunт managed to get in through the windscreen.
Black lives matter only when killed by a white. Those killed by other blacks don’t seem to matter as much.
*Black couple having Sеx*
Black Guy: Who’s Your Daddy!?! Who’s YOUR DADDY!?!?!
Black Girl: I don’t know.
Black Guy: Same here
I have concluded that zebras are black with white stripes.
Why?
When was the last time you saw a zebra with a job?
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?” I said “No, you’re still black”.
I always buy computers that are black. Generally, they run faster and have a вiggеr hard drive.
Christmas time. Vаliuм and wine. Children indulging in serious сriме. With dad on the wееd and mum high on сrаск. Christmas is magic when your family is black!

0

0

In Joe Friday voice: This is Constable Augie of the Canadian Security and Intelligence Service. The phone line you have just dialed is currently under investigation on a warrant issued by the Attorney General of Canada. To facilitate our investigation, we would appreciate you leaving your name, number, a brief message, and any affiliations you may have made now, or in the past, with communist or terrorist organizations. Thank you.

0

0

I’ll never forget my Grandads last words…SON WHERE DID U GET A GRENADE FROM?!

0

0

I met this girl at a party the other week.
She had a T-Shirt on with the words “Make Love Not War”.
So I tried it on with her, you should’ve seen the fuскing fight she put up.

0

0

The Creation of the PC
1. In the beginning GOD created the Bit and the Byte.
And from those he created the Word.
2. And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.
And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.
3. And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.
And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.
And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.
4. And God said - Let the computers be,
So there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and
Compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.
5. And there was no Software yet.
But God created programs; small and big... And told them:
Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.
6. And God said - I will create the Programmer;
And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers
And programs and Data.
7. And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;
And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said
You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but DO NOT USE Windows.
8. And God said - It is not Good for the programmer to be alone.
He took a воnе from the Programmer's body and created a creature that
Would look up at the Programmer, and admire the Programmer, and love the
Things the Programmer does;
And God called the creature: the User.
9. And the Programmer and the User were left under the nакеd DOS and it
Was Good.
10. But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.
And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you not to run any
Programs ?
11. And the User answered - God told us that we can use every program
And every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.
12. And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something you
Did not even try?
The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God.
You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your
Mouse.
13. And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and
Easier to use.
And the User saw that any knowledge was useless since Windows could
Replace it.
14. So the User installed the Windows on his computer;
And said to the Programmer that it was good.
15. And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.
And God asked him - What are you looking for?
And the Programmer answered - I am looking for new drivers because I
Can not find them in the DOS.
And God said - Who told you that you need drivers? Did you run Windows?
And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to !
16. And God said to Bill - Because of what you did you will be hated by
All the creatures.
And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell
Windows.
17. And God said to the User - Because of what you did, the Windows
Will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to
Use lousy programs;
And you will always rely on the Programmers help.
18. And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to the User
You will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will
Have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.
19. And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and
Secured it with a password.
20. General protection fault

0

0

An insect falls into a mug of вееr.
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the вееr.
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the вееr away.
Indian : Sells the вееr to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of вееr.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing the insect into his вееr, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of вееr.

0

0

A Fireman comes home from work and tells his wife “wow we really have things going good at the firehall.
When the captain yells 1 we slide down the pole. When he yells 2 we put on our suits.
When he yells 3 were on the truck and on our way. So from now on when I come home and yell 1 you take off your clothes. When I yell 2 jump on the bed. And when I say 3 we will be goin at it.
The husband comes home the next day and yells 1 and the wife takes off her clothes. He Yells 2 and she jumps on the bed. He then yells 3 and there going at it.
She then yells “4.”
He says” What the hеll is 4?”
The wife said ” Your hose isn’t nearly big enough and your getting no where close to the fire!”

0

0

I heard on the radio today that a warlord in Afghanistan has purchased over 3 million poppies. It’s great to see Islamic military leaders showing their respect to the British Armed Forces.

0

0

Chuck Norris once had a yard sale of his old childhood items such as his baby rattle, frisbee, and his class ring. We know these lucky buyers as Thor, Captain America, and the Green Lantern.

0

0