T he Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. “Give us the money”, they shout at the Queen.
“But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money.”
“Oh, sh1t”, says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di. “Give us yer jewels.”
“But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state ocassions.”
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. “Quick, out of the car. We’ll have the Range Rover at least,” and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen. “What did you do to all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.”
“Ah,” says the Queen, “I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have.” Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. “And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear.” The Queen says to Di.
“Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.” Reaching down she plucks out her jewelry.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di… “You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover.”
A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sеx Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions). …
…
The girl thinks excitedly about that frog tongue flicking out and looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.”
The man packaged the frog and said, “Just follow the instructions carefully. Call me if you have any problems.”
The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sеxy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So, the girl calls the pet store.
The man says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.” Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the dамn thing just sits there.”
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:
“Listen to me, frog! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk
Osama-bin-Laden had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.
Laden was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store: WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!
He looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him,” What can I do for you?”
“Well, friend” Laden replies, “I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”
The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”
“OK Let’s do it.”
The vendor says, “Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”
While Osama is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.
“Stand back,” he cautions Laden.
The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s ваlls. The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hеll.
“Wow!,” says Osama, “That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”
The vendor says with a smile, “Please step onto the platform, sir.”