Money jokes

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Got thrown out a Sтriр club last night for using monopoly money. I don’t see why I should pay real money to see fake воовs.

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They can make a lot of money off of sending people to jail these days because it's like prison-for-work camps and things like that. And did anybody know that three of the biggest shoe companies have invested in the prison system now? So you know what comes next? Prison commercials. Can you see some of the brothers in there doing a shoe commercial? Live from jail? 'If I'd a had these on, dog, I'd a got away.'

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My Girlfriend told me:
"You have nothing but Jokes! Why can't you ever be serious for once! Hey, you could even make a fine husband one day! Hint!"
"Oh, seriously?" I said (thinking I'm not ready for a commitment yet).
She replied, "Of course, I have always dreamed of the fairy tale wedding and having 6 kids just like the Brady Bunch."
So I replied back, "Well, you're right Honey, I do need to take things more seriously. Actually, I was thinking about changing my profession from Delivering Pizzas to being a Famous Writer."
My Girlfriend says,
"Now your talking! I know that's not steady money but anything but more jokes!"
So I said back, "Honey, I know how important you want us to get married and have 6 kids like the Brady Bunch. So how does it sound to you if we discuss our future of a Big wedding and lots of kids!"
My Girlfriend says,
"Really?" (She blushes and looking very hopeful.)
I said,
"Of course! So where to you want us to get married? In Chapter 2 or 3?"

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Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey ! How about it ваве ? You and me ?”
As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch ?”

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A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of."
"Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to."
"Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says,
"I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

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Vicky was at a business conference. During a break, she decided to call home collect. Her six-year-old son picked up the phone and heard a stranger’s voice say, “We have Vicky on the line. Will you accept the charges?” Frantic, the six-year-old dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, “Dad! They have Mom! And they want money!”

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Little johnny's teacher was warned before the start of school to never make a bet with him. she understood. school started and little johnny bet his teacher 50$ that he could guess what color underware she had on. she said " ok after class come to to me and tell me your guess. he said ok. during class the teacher slipped out to the bathroom and removed her underware. after class little johnny told his teacher his quess. he said blue. she said nope i aint got none on. she hiked up her skirt to show him. he said ok here is your money, but its fine i bet my dad 100$ that i could see your рussy by the end of the day.

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Went to the bank today to get a loan for my car. I’ve now got enough money to fill up the tank.

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You're never too poor for good toilet paper. That's a law.

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I walked in on him маsтurватing. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy sh*t. Does it owe you money?'

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T he Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. “Give us the money”, they shout at the Queen.
“But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money.”
“Oh, sh1t”, says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di. “Give us yer jewels.”
“But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state ocassions.”
The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of wailing sirens approaching. “Quick, out of the car. We’ll have the Range Rover at least,” and with that the robbers drove off.
As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to the Queen. “What did you do to all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.”
“Ah,” says the Queen, “I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that women have.” Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. “And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewellery, my dear.” The Queen says to Di.
“Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.” Reaching down she plucks out her jewelry.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di… “You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover.”

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I am finally going to be rich someday... I've invested in toilet paper and funeral homes.
'Cause at some point, everyone has to go!

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There are more important things than money, but they won’t date you if you don’t have any

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Dude, Columbia House, 12 records for a penny -- liars, huh? I can't buy a house because of the Wu-Tang album I bought nine years ago.

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One of my favorite things about New York is our slogan for the New York State Lottery. I'm sure you've seen it, on the subway or a billboard, which is just, 'New York State Lottery: Hey, you never know.' That's what they went with; they had a meeting.... No one else advertises that way. Just like, "Starbucks: Maybe it makes you immortal, I dunno."

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I picked a fат chick up in my taxi last night.
“I’m afraid I haven’t got any money,” she winked. “But I’m sure we can come to some agreement.”
“Get your dress off then,” I replied, as she giggled…
“It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow and she’s a big fат соw, just like you.”

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Every one got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No". The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk

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A man walks into a pub, and approaches the bar. He orders a pint and looks down to see a bowl of peanuts on the counter. He decides to eat one, when he picks it up and goes to put it in his mouth the peanut says,
"Hello handsome!"
So he puts the peanut down in astonishment. He decides to try one more time and yet again the peanut talks, "Oh you are gorgeous!"
Well as you can imagine he was really stunned. He then decides to go over to buy some cigarettes from the dispenser. He drops money in the machine and it spits it out and tells him, "Go away ugly!"
This really shocked the man so he goes up to the barman and says,
"Why is it that when I pick up the peanuts from the bar they are really nice to me, yet when I try to get some cigarettes from the machine it tells me I'm ugly?"
"Well," the barman begins, "the peanuts are complimentary and the cigarette machine is out of order!"

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