Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.
“$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.
“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”
The desk taps one of its legs on the floor four times. The shopkeeper turns out his pocket and, sure enough, there are four pound coins there.
“Wow, that’s pretty cool,” says Eric. “Alright, desk, how much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
At this, the desk goes wild, manically ваnging all four of its legs up and down repeatedly for over five minutes non-stop.
“Dамn, where did she get all that from?” asks Eric.
The desk’s legs slide apart and its drawers fall down.
A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop. …
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He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew’s Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down, they decided to grow and sell their own flowers. Since they grew all their own produce, the monks were able to undercut Andrew at every turn and within 3 months, the monks had stolen nearly all his business. Afraid, running out of money, and growing desperate, Andrew hired local hard man Hugh McTaggart to go to the monks’ stall under cover of darkness and destroy it. Then he was to go to their garden and use an herbicide on every bloom and blossom.
That night, Hugh did his dark deeds. It proved effective. Devastated, the monks were unable to return to their previous dомinатiоn of the market.
Andrew’s Flowers was, once again, supreme, proving once and for all that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car it the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya’ got there, sonny?” …
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The young man replies, “A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!” …
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“That’s a lot of money, “says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right… but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!” the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there’s nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers with his dying breath, “Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror.”
A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is in the pool swimming as fast as he can and when he gets to the other side and jumps out.
The billionaire goes.. “Holy соw, I didn’t think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?” and the guy says “no”,
So the billionaire says, “oh, you want my house?” and the guys says “no” and so the billionaire says,” what, you want my wife, then?”
But the guys says “hеll no”
So the billionaire says “well what the fuск do you want?”
The guy still trying to catch his breath says, ” I want the мотhеrfuскеr who pushed me in the pool”