Newest jokes - Page 35

Q: Why did the girl spread peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!

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A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.
The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?"
The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses of Congress, then prays for the country!"

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Government and Government Employee Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes Couple jokes

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sеxuаl endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy."
Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once.
You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss.
"Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

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Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Love Jokes Boss Jokes

Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

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Chuck Norris Jokes One-Liner Jokes

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school.
Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Nina’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

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Men jokes Office and Work Jokes School Jokes Kids Jokes Dad Jokes

Chuck Norris made Newton write 3 laws of physics just to break them... he was having a boring weekend.

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Chuck Norris Jokes Science jokes

On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs.
"Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor.
"It did," the doctor replied.

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Hunting Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Communication Jokes

Peter: Why was the Olympian not able to listen to music?
Matthew: Why?
Peter: Because he broke the record!

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Sports Jokes Music and Musician Jokes

There was this atheist and he was in the woods.
And suddenly he heard some leaves cracking.
He looked behind and there was a huge bear behind him.
He started running and running and soon the bear was right on top of him and his paw was on top of him like he was going to swat him but suddenly he saw this big light appear and said; “For all these years you have despised me and now you call for my help.”
The atheist said, “I’m sorry God. If you can’t help me, can’t you at least turn the bear into a Christian?
Then the light disappeared.
Then the bear knelt down and said, “Bless me Lord for this meal I’m about to receive!”

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Atheist Jokes God Jokes Animal Jokes Christian Jokes

Yo mamma is so fат when she tried to go to McDonald's she tripped over Wendy's and landed on Burger King.

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Yo Momma Jokes Food Jokes Fat Jokes

An ugly bloke walks into a pub with a huge grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about ?" asks the landlord.
"Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night !"
"Did you get a вlоw job ?" asks the landlord.
"No ..." he says, "I never found the head."

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Gross Jokes Jokes about Women Dirty jokes

A woman heads to the doctors office for her usual checkup.
While there, the doc notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of an H and inquires about it, "Oh, my boyfriend likes to wear his Harvard sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, for a checkup.
While there, the doctor notices a strange rash on her chest in the shape of a Y and inquires about it,"Oh, my boyfriend is really into wearing his Yale sweater during sеx."
The next day, another woman comes in, again, for a simple checkup.
This woman too has a rash on her chest, and the doctor, catching on with the trend, asks,"So, Does your boyfriend go to Wisconsin?"
The girl replies, "Nah, but my girlfriend goes to Michigan."

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Dirty jokes

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.
He turns to the people around him.
"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"
A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."
"And you ALL came to pay your respects?
How touching."
"No, we came to make sure he was dead."

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Judge and Court Jokes Men jokes Funeral jokes Lawyer Jokes Sick and Death Jokes

Little gаy Johnny asks Billy, "If you went camping and woke up with a соndом in your вuтт, would you tell anyone?
Billy says, "No way, that'd be embarassing".
Johnny then asks, "Wanna go camping?"

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes Dirty jokes

A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding.
As he was giving her the ticket, she said, “How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning?
Is it my face?”
“No, ma’am,” explained the officer, “it’s your foot.”

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Police Officer Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes School Jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in his classroom when his teacher asks what sounds animals make.
First the teacher asks,"what sound does a соw make?"
Susie raises her hand and says moo.
"Good job susie" says the teacher.
Then she asks what sound does a duck make?
Billy raises his hand and says quack.
Next the teacher asks what sound a pig makes.
Little Johnny raises his hand and says," Get your black аss out the car, put your hands above your head, and spread your legs!"

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Little Johnny Jokes Animal Jokes School Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the new Viаgrа eye-drops?
A: Apparently they make you look hard.

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Viagra jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

Q: What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating рussy?
A: At least when you are eating рussy you can see the аsshоlе in front of you.

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Gross Jokes Sex Jokes

Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK маsтurвате in the shower, and the other half sing.
Do you know what they sing?’
Friend: ‘No I don’t.’
Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’

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Masturbation jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Friendship Jokes

Film makers are smart enough NOT to make a Chuck Norris movie in 3D.

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Chuck Norris Jokes

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