Newest jokes - Page 568

A man is trying to understand the nature of God, time, and the Universe. He asks God, “How long is a billion years to you?”
God says, “A billion years is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “Well, how much is a billion dollars to you?”
God says, “A billion dollars is like a penny to me.”
So the man says, “God, can I have a penny?”
And God replies, “In a sec.”

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- Honey - says the wife to her husband - last night I had the most AMAZING dream..
I dreamed that we were making love and next to our bed there was a black man from Africa who was waving a fаn to us and that gave me great satisfaction..”
The couple decided to make the dream come true, so they found a black man and offered him 200 euros to wave the fаn to them while they made love.
The three of them went home and the couple started having sеx while the black man was waving the fаn.
But still the wife couldn’t get any satisfaction..So she proposed that they should change roles.
She would make love with the black man and the husband would wave the fаn next to them.
The husband accepted and started waving the fаn…
After a while, the wife screamed of pleasure and asked for more!
So the husband said to the black man: “Do you understand now how you should wave the fаn, you ashole?”

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Sex Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Men jokes Africa Jokes

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a рiss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my рее barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shiт, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I рiss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shiт like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

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Dirty jokes Men jokes Old People Jokes

A customer comes into the computer store.
I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics.
You know, something really challenging."
"Well," replied the clerk, "Have you tried Vista?"

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Computer Jokes Customer service jokes

A private school was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lip stick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers... and then there are educators.

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School Jokes Men jokes Military Jokes

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We're closed.

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Dirty jokes Business jokes Vulgar jokes

A man is driving with his wife at his side and his mother-in-law in the backseat.
The women just won’t leave him alone.
His mother-in-law says, "You’re driving too fast!"
His wife says, "Stay more to the left."
After ten mixed orders, the man turns to his wife and asks, "Who’s driving this car – you or your mother?"

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Mother-in-Law Jokes Jokes about Women Car and driving jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Men jokes

When I reached to a desert island I didn't find anybody; so I turned home!

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Travel and Tourist Jokes

These are supposedly actual classified ads that have appeared in various papers across the world.
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON - FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART DOG
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHARD. 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE, 2 CENTS OR BEST OFFER
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
KITTENS 8 WEEKS OLD - SEEKING GOOD CHRISTIAN HOME.

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Dog jokes Coffee Jokes

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.The lawyer's first question was,
"Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"
She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."
"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"
The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."
The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"
The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."
"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."
The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes Banker Jokes

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb? Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second." My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

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Judge and Court Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Jury(n): a collection of people banded together for the purpose of deciding who has hired the better lawyer.

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Dictionary Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

Three Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them."
The lawyer says, "Fuск the Boy Scouts!"
The priest asks, "Do we have time?"

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Priest Jokes Lawyer Jokes Aviation Jokes Pilot Jokes Priest Jokes

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Jokes

Thinnest Books:
The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton
The Amish Phone Directory
Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette
George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
French Hospitality
Everything Women Know About Men
Everything Men Know About Women
Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches
Different Ways To Spell Bob
Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors
America's Most Popular Lawyers
Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean
The Wild Years-By Al Gore
Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman
Human Rights Advances In China
To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres
The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson
How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr.

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Lawyer Jokes Military Jokes American Presidents Humor

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......
* You met him in prison.
* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head.

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Judge and Court Jokes Lawyer Jokes

A blonde walks into a winter clothing store. She picks out a scarf and brings it to the counter to pay for it.
When she gets home, she turns right back around and takes it back to the store.The store clerk asks why she's returning the scarf.
"Because," she says, "it's too tight!"

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Blonde Jokes

Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
No.
Good!

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Judge and Court Jokes One-Liner Jokes Lawyer Jokes

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.
-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?
-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.
-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.
-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?
-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.
-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.
-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.
-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?
-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.
-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.
-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there

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