Newest jokes - Page 636

What do triplets need more than single babies? More Wомв!

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A tourist arrived in Australia, hired a car and set off for the outback. On his way he saw a bloke having sеx with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch. Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a bloke with one leg маsтurватing furiously at the bar. “For fuск’s sake!” the bloke cried, “what the hеll’s going on here? I’ve been here one hour and I’ve seen a bloke shаgging a sheep, and now some bloke’s wanking himself off in the bar!”
“Fair dinkum, mate,” the bartender told him, “you can’t expect a man with only one leg to catch a sheep”

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Sex Jokes Men jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Australia Jokes Masturbation jokes

I may not be getting laid tonight, but I'm definitely ваnging my snooze button in the morning.

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Attitude Jokes One-Liner Jokes

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

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God Jokes Religion jokes Food Jokes Atheist Jokes American Presidents Humor

In South Africa a niggеr was walking with a parrot on his shoulder and on his way he meets with a white guy.
He is so cute!
Does he speak?
Asks the white guy.
I don’t know I just bought him!
Says the parrot.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Africa Jokes Black People Jokes Parrot jokes

Yo mama is so old that when she farts, dust comes out!

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Yo Momma Jokes Food Jokes Old People Jokes Fart Jokes

I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

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Flirt jokes

How many surrealists does it take to sсrеw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

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Light bulb jokes

"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end."
"People who go out of their way to help others have great taste."
"An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry."
"Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue."
"A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble."
"The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew."
"It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea."
"You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried."
"If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon."
"Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner."
"Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."

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Single People Jokes Gross Jokes Sports Jokes School Jokes Food Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

A guy to a friend: “After three sets golf clubs and ten years of lessons, I am finally getting some fun out of golf. I quit.”

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Friendship Jokes Golf jokes

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Torah scholar.” he replies.
“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

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Jokes about Women News and Politics Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes God Jokes Men jokes Dating Jokes

Why was the math textbook so sad?
He had a lot of problems!

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Math Jokes

They make Bush out to sound like he's Нiтlеr. And people have to remember that there's a big difference between Bush and Нiтlеr: Нiтlеr wrote a book.

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Insult Jokes Hitler Jokes American Presidents Humor

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

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Sex Jokes Jokes about Women Wine jokes Restaurant Jokes

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gаy. He asks his dad, “What does gаy mean?”
“It means happy.”
“So dad, are you gаy?” the son asks.
Dad replies, “No son, I have a wife.”

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Dad Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

A man was on a long walk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

There was a baby pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly.

The housewife replied, "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

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Friendship Jokes Men jokes Farmer Jokes

I used to be in love with a girl from Moscow. I almost asked her to marry me but I didn’t want to Russia.

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Relationship Jokes Russian Jokes

After planning the wedding for six months, the big day arrives tomorrow and I’ve only one regret.
I won’t see her face when she gets the April Fools’ text.

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April Fools' Jokes Dating Jokes

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunк who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunк for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunк, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunк replied.

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Lawyer Jokes

I had a quiet New Year’s Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sеx session to end the night.
I hate prison.

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Sex Jokes New year jokes

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