Newest jokes - Page 766

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."

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Theres this girl,she is five.
She goes spying on her big sister and she hears her cussing out her boyfriend and she says,"you mother fuскing аsshоlе!"
Just then jill, thats the little girl,interrupts them talking and blurts out, "Big Sis,what does аsshоlе mean?
The girl surprised by the question,says BOYFRIEND!
Okay , so the girl runs off onto the bathroom.
Jill sneaks up on her dad while he was shaving and says boo!
THE dad says "Shiт!"
So the girl ask her dad "What does shiт mean?"
And he stammers "Shaving cream".
So she said okay and went about her day.
Jill then runs into her mom, who was in the kitchen cutting the turkey.
Her mom is startled when Jill comes in, cuts her hand, and says "Fuск!".
So Jill ask "What does fuск mean momma?"
And scramblimg for an answer, her mom says "cutting."
All of the sudden, they hear the door.
Jill answers and sees her Dads boss at the door.
He ask "Sweetie, do you know where you everyone is at?"
And she says, "Well, my sister’s talking to her аsshоlе, my Moms fuскing the turkey and my Dads wiping the shiт off his face."

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Dad Jokes Dirty jokes Boss Jokes

A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewin' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that".

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Farmer Jokes

What's a lawyer's favorite playground apparatus? The suings.

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Lawyer Jokes One-Liner Jokes

I committed the perfect сriме: I put a mime artist in an airtight glass box.
Nobody suspected a thing.

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Criminal Jokes

I knocked on my neighbour’s door last night.
“Sorry John,” I said, “I know you’ve only just got home from work but I need your help.
I can’t get into my house. I was in a rush and my front door key is in my trousers which I’ve left beside the bed.”
“Okay, so what do you want me to do then?” he asked.
I said, “Go upstairs to your bedroom and get them for me.”

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Cheating Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Q. What is a taxidermist's favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. The stuffing.

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Thanksgiving Jokes One-Liner Jokes Holiday Jokes

How many bodybuilders does it take to sсrеw in a light bulb?
Four. One bodybuilder to sсrеw in the bulb, and three others to watch and say, “Really, dude, you look huge !”

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Fitness jokes

Guys, enough with the Asian jokes...they're all the same.

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes Asian jokes

What do you call a dentist in the army?

A drill sergeant!

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Dentist Jokes Military Jokes

A Lady calls the airline office in New York and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Hawaii?"
The clerk says to her, "Just a second."
The woman says "Thank you", and hangs up.

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Aviation Jokes Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Travel and Tourist Jokes

Rabbit:
"I got kicked out of my cage for not paying the rent. My wife walked out and took our twenty-nine bunnies with her. I m all out of carrots. What should I do?"
Friend:
"Don't worry; be hoppy!"

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Friendship Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Animal Jokes

If you paint your finger purple, and wiggle it in the air, is it ... FingerPrince?

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Music and Musician Jokes

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said:
"It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.

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College jokes Men jokes School Jokes

Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gаy bar.
One соndом says to the other, "Hey man, you wanna get shiт-faced?"

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Bar and Bartender Jokes Men jokes Sex Jokes Gay and Lesbian Jokes

Two cowboy ranchers in Texas, they each had their own horse, but they could never tell them apart. So the first cowboy said, "I've got it!" The second cowboy said "What?"
"I'll shave the mane on my horse." Let's do it!” So the cowboy shaves the mane on his horse. But after a while the mane grew back. The cowboys are having a really hard time telling them apart. Then the one cowboy said, "I've got it! "What? What? What’s your idea now? says the other"
"I'll cut the tail on my horse really small."
"Alright! Let's do it!" So he cut the tail really short. But after a while it grew back. "Then the second cowboy said, "OK, this time I've got it!" You take the black one and I'll take white one!!!!"

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Cowboys and Indians Jokes

With the new Apple Watch, you only have to pull your hand out of your pocket to let everyone know that you’re a сunт.

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Science jokes

A politician will find an excuse to get out of anything except office.

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Political Jokes Office and Work Jokes

Two fаgs are on a picnic,and the first guy says,"I have to take a
dumpski,"and he walks into the woods to do it.
Several minutes later,the other guy hears the first guy crying
"Boo Hoo,I Had A Miscarriage.
I Had A Miscarriage."
He runs into the woods to see what is going on.
When he gets there,the first guy is still crying,"Boo-Hoo I Had a Miscarriage...
He looks down and says,"Don't be silly.
You didn't have a miscarraige.
You had diarrhea on a toad."

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Gay and Lesbian Jokes

I say to my son, What are you going to be for Halloween? He goes, Im going to be Frankenstein. And I say, OK. Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, hes got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, What are you supposed to be? He goes, Im Frankenstein! I said, No, youre not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. Its a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.

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Halloween Jokes Medical and Doctor Jokes

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