Jokes about Bosses

A police chief, a fire chief, and a city attorney were traveling together by car to a municipal management conference in a distant city.
Their car broke down in a rural area, and they were forced to seek shelter for the night at a nearby farmhouse.
The farmer welcomed them in but cautioned them that there were only two spare beds and that one of them would have to sleep in the barn with the farm animals.
After a short conference, the police chief agreed to take the barn.
Shortly after retiring, a knock was heard on the door of the farmhouse.
The party inside answered to find the police chief standing there, complaining that he could not sleep.
There were pigs in the barn, he said, and he was reminded of the days when everyone called him a pig.
The fire chief then volunteered to exchange with the police chief.
A short time later, another knock was heard at the door.
The fire chief complained that the cows in the barn reminded him of Mrs. O'Leary's соw that started the Chicago fire, and that every time he started to go to sleep, he started to have a fireman's worst nightmare, that of burning to death.
The city attorney, in desperation for sleep, then agreed to sleep in the barn.
This seemed like a good idea until a few minutes later, when another knock was heard at the door.
When the occupants answered the door, there stood the very indignant cows and pigs.

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A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice sеамаn above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young sеамаn had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

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Military Jokes Office and Work Jokes Men jokes Boss Jokes

The clerk walks into the boss's office and says,
"The auditors have just left, sir."
"Have they finished checking the books?", asks the boss.
"Very thoroughly," is the reply.
"Well, what did they say", says the boss.
"They want 15% to keep quiet."

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Accountant Jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Management Jokes Superhero Jokes Boss Jokes

I went to a pharmacy and asked for a black соndом.
Manager wondered and asked me, "why black sir?"
"My friend's husband died; I want to console her," I said.

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Marriage and Family Jokes Dirty jokes Sex Jokes Relationship Jokes Boss Jokes

The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from
boasting to Manny about his sеxuаl endurance.
"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?" "It was easy."
Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap.
When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put it to her again.
Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you." "I gotta try it," said Manny. "Lorraine won't believe it's happening."
So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.
He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him.
"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once.
You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"
"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss.
"Where were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?"

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Sex Jokes Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Old People Jokes Love Jokes Boss Jokes

A boss has to fire one of 2 workers, Jack and Jill.
However, Both Jack and Jill are skilled workers and he is finding it really, really difficult to pick.
So after their shifts, Jack goes home before Jill does, and the boss goes over to Jill just before she gets into her car.
He informs her of his dilemma.
"Hey Jill, I have a problem."
"Ok Boss, what is it?" she asks
"I Can't decide whether to lay you or Jack off, what would you suggest?"
"Well, you'd better get the vasoline, i'm going home!"

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Management Jokes Office and Work Jokes Dirty jokes Masturbation jokes Boss Jokes

A boss said to his secretary,
"I want to have sеx with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said,
"Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
"So what happened?"
She responds,
"The ваsтаrd used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sеx with me!"

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Dirty jokes Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Sex Jokes Management Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes

A little boy was pushing a heavy cart uphill with a lot of effort.
The work was very tiring, so someone walking nearby felt pity and helped the little boy push the heavy cart until the end of the hill.
He stopped indignant there and told to the child:
"You should say to your boss that it is a shame to make a kid such hard work to do."
"I told them, sir."
"Well, what did they reply?"
"Pull kid and some sucker will be there to help you."

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Business jokes Office and Work Jokes Kids Jokes God Jokes Boss Jokes

Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft?
A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.

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Accountant Jokes Money jokes Management Jokes Boss Jokes

A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages.
Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?"
"Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then had to go into my house but I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."

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Car and driving jokes Men jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Boss Jokes Cyclist Humor

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

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Medical and Doctor Jokes Boss Jokes

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.
His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.
Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive.
At 8:55 Mary walks into the office.
"I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to Lay You or Jack off."
"Oh? jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

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Jokes about Women Office and Work Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Political Jokes Boss Jokes

A manufacturing plant was in full swing one day. The company's massive machine was humming along, taking in the raw materials at one end and churning out the finished product at the other.
All of a sudden, the machine stopped and ground to a halt.
Workers climbed all over it like ants to get it started again.
The plant's manager stormed out of his office to find out why his multi-million- dollar machine wasn't making him any money.
He listened to his people saying they couldn't figure it out, and he told them to call a technician.
Soon a tech arrived, and the manager frantically explained to him that he needed his machine back as soon as possible.
The technician listened patiently, took one look at the massive hulk of motionless metal, and immediately walked over to a small panel, opening a tiny door inside to see a sсrеw.
The technician took a screwdriver and turned the sсrеw one-quarter turn to the right, and the machine suddenly came back to life as if nothing was wrong.
The manager hurried over to thank the technician, shook his hand, and asked what he owed him for saving his company.
The technician answered, "$100,000.00".
The manager looked at him and said, "You were here less than two minutes and just turned one sсrеw. How can you charge so much? Give me an itemized bill."
The technician calmly wrote out on a piece of paper:
- Turning of one sсrеw: $1.00.
- Knowing which sсrеw to turn: $99,999.00.

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Office and Work Jokes Money jokes Life Jokes Superhero Jokes Boss Jokes

Q) Why wouldn't the skeleton go skydiving?
A) He didn't have the guts for it. Q) How do you make a skeleton laugh?
A) Tickle his funny воnе. Q) Why wasn't the skeleton afraid of the policeman?
A) He knew they couldn't pin anything on him. Q) What room can a skeleton not go into?
A) The living room Q) Why do skeletons make bad miners?
A) Because they only go six feet under Q) How did the skeleton know that it was going to rain?
A) He could feel it in his bones. Q) What did the skeleton order at the restaurant?
A) Spare ribs Q) What did the skeleton say to the bartender?
A) I'll have a вееr and a mop. Q) What did the skeleton wear on Halloween?
A) A human costume Q) Why are skeletons always so calm?
A) Because nothing gets under their skin Q) What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
A) Bon appetit! Q) Why don't skeletons play music in church?
A) Because they have no organs. Q) What's a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A) A bow and marrow. Q) Where did the skeleton keep his pet bird?
A) In his rib cage Q) What do you call a skeleton who uses the doorbell?
A) A dead ringer Q) What do you call the lie told by a skeleton?
A) A little fib-ula Q) What do skeletons do on New Year's Eve?
A) Eat, drink and be scary Q) Why did the skeleton cross the road?
A) To go to the body shop Q) What did the boss call his incompetent employee?
A) A bonehead Q) What did the skeleton say when he rode his Harley?
A) Воnе to be wild! Q) Why did the little skeleton want to quit the football team?
A) Because his heart wasn't in it Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to get up in the morning?
A) He was a lazy bones. Q) Where do teenage skeletons go to class?
A) High skull Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it. Q) Why did the mother keep telling the little skeleton to drink his milk?
A) Because milk is good for the bones Q) Why did the little skeleton laugh at the joke?
A) Because he thought it was humerus Q) Why did the little skeleton do extra work?
A) Because he wanted the воnе-us points Q) Why didn't the little skeleton want to go to the dance?
A) He had no body to go with. Q) What instrument did the little skeleton want to play?
A) The trombone Q) Why wouldn't the little skeleton eat the cafeteria food?
A) He didn't have the stomach for it. Q) Why did the little skeleton hate the winter?
A) Because the wind went right through him

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Drinking and Drunk Jokes Police Officer Jokes Halloween Jokes Beer Jokes Restaurant Jokes Boss Jokes

There once was a gal named Lewinsky,
Who played music like a Stravinsky.
"Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef.
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski.
Since you look such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And wipe that goo off of your chinsky."
Lewinsky and Clinton have shown.
What Kaczynski must surely have known:
That an intern is better.
Than a bomb in a letter.
Given the choice of how to be blown.

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Political Jokes Music and Musician Jokes Life Jokes Boss Jokes American Presidents Humor

On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight."
The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again."
A new slаvе next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?"
"This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."

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Sports Jokes Marriage and Family Jokes Food Jokes Military Jokes Management Jokes Boss Jokes

When the office printer color started to look a little off the manager called the local repair shop.
To the manager's surprise, the clerk said that it would cost $50 but that he might try reading the manual and doing it himself.
The manager replied in astonishment, "Does your boss know that you discourage business that way?"
"Yes", replied the clerk. It was his idea. We make more on repairs than cleaning printers if the owner tries to do it himself first.

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Management Jokes Office and Work Jokes Technology Jokes Money jokes Boss Jokes

A horse walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "Give me a вееr."
The bartender is stunned, so he heads to the back of the bar to speak with the owner.
"Hey boss" he says, "there's a horse in the bar asking for a вееr."
The bar owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then give him one, but charge him double. Horses don't know the price of вееr."
So the bartender heads back out front and hands the horse a вееr.
"You know," says the barkeep, "we don't get many horses around here."
To which the horse replies, "At these prices I'm not surprised."

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Animal Jokes Money jokes Drinking and Drunk Jokes Bar and Bartender Jokes Beer Jokes Boss Jokes

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.
He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.
One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child.
The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.
The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken.
What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!
Look at that field over there.
All the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.
You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."

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Ethnic and Racial Jokes School Jokes Baby Jokes Black People Jokes White people jokes Boss Jokes

Yesterday I came back to my office from Court.
There was a new secretary (a very attractive blonde, of course?) in the office down the hall from me. She flagged me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?" she asked. I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive. While I spent the next 20 minutes getting out her disk and digging out the plastic, I noticed two guys, John and Dave, in the hall trying awfully hard to keep straight faces. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into the drive. "Oh, you mean the соndом!", she said. "Соndом???", I asked. "Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a соndом on my disk before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses." By this point, John & Dave were roaring, and it was all I could do to keep from joining them. The "соndом" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played, and she shouldn't do that anymore, when she asked (as serious as one could be): "Does that mean I don't have to sтrоке it ten times or вlоw on it either???"

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Blonde Jokes Secretary Jokes Boss Jokes