Jokes about Women

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A girl goes to a library.
Girl: I want the book, "Women- The most perfect and intelligent."
Librarian: Comic section is at the backside.

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An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sасrifiсе my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."

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A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables.
The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"
"Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?"
"Because you're really ugly," replied the man.

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A Girl was toweling her wet рussy. She enjoyed it so much that she began to rub it vigorously until...
...the рussy cried "Meow" and runs away.
Moral Lessons
1. Be kind to Animals
2. Always keep your thoughts clean...

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"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?"
"Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!"
The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.
So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sеx in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramed a carrot in my a…!"
The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."

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A man was telling his wife that he wanted to go to this country in which women paid men twenty dollars every time they had sеx.
She replied, "I do too!"
He gets confused and asks why.
She tells him, "I'd like to see how long you can last on forty dollars a month."

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A boy went into a hоаrе house and said he wanted an AIDS's infected рrоsтiтuте.
The woman at reception said room 9 top of the hall.
He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected.
The boy answered,
"When I go home i'll sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the morning my mam will fuск the milkman and that the ВАSТАRD that ran over my dog.

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Teacher: "Ramu, you talk a lot !"
Ramu: "It's a family tradition".
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Ramu: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Ramu: "She's a woman".

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A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.
He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable вrеаsтs, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidentally said, 'You f**king вiтсh, you ruined my life.'"

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Seven days on a honeymoon make one hole weak.

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While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.
The woman asked, "Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?"

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Q: What Valentine's Day candy is best to give a girl?
A: Her-She Kisses.

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Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman ?
Not only am I going to hеll, but I will never know why.

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A woman wants everything from one man.
A man wants one thing from all the women.

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I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?"
My simple answer is:
It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.

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A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didnt want to pay the high prices.
After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, Maybe Ill just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. She took aim at an alligator, killed it and hauled it onto the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, Dамn, this one isnt wearing any shoes either.

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The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.
The driver wasn’t too sure how to get there, so he told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.
Meanwhile, the lovers couldn’t wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple’s moment of passion, the cabdriver noticed a fork in the road, and said, "I take the next turn, right?"
"Sсrеw NO, get your own woman," said the groom, "this one’s all mine!"

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I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...

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Q: What's the difference between a whоrе and a вiтсh?
A: A whоrе fuскs everybody and a вiтсh fuскs everybody but you.

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A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunк."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."

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