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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

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Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics, if it sells he’ll write one about kent as well.
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I was walking through town yesterday, when I came across a large black man with a mohawk and jewellery.
He said, “I piy the fool.”
I said, “Hey, you missed a T.”

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Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to?

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John F. Kennedy could finish a drive better than the 2013 Denver Broncos.

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What was Beyonce doing on google? Getting In formation

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What's the same between Michelle Jackson and a xbox. They both get turned on by little boys

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Donald Trump has claimed that if the murdered journalists in France had been carrying guns, then they would’ve had a fighting chance.
No Donald, they would’ve had a fighting chance if the terrorists had been carrying stationery.

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Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.
“Shelf E,” replied the librarian.
“Aye that’s the one,” said Sean

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Rihanna is rumoured to be launching a new TV talent show this Autumn.
It’s called The Ex Smacked ‘Er.

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I’ve just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that predictable сunт Edward Scissorhands.

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A Nurse Was Taking Care Of A Soldier In The Army Hospital.
The Soldier Said:
“How I Wish I Could Kiss The American Flag Before I Die”
The Nurse Was Extremely Touched By The Soldier’s Patriotism And Said.
Nurse:
“I Have A Tattoo Of The American Flag On My Bottom, You May Kiss It If You Don’t Mind.”
The Soldier Said:
“Of Course, I Wouldn’t Mind. Thank You For Fulfilling My Last Wish”
The Nurse Took Off Her Раnтiеs And The Dying Soldier Kissed The Flag.
Soldier Said:
“Thank You, Nurse, Now Would You Be So Kind To Turn Around So That I Could Kiss Bush Too.”

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After the show, this lady came up to me, and she said, 'You are very funny, and you are waiting to be discovered.' I don't know if that's true, but if it is, I certainly know how magnesium felt in 1816.

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Andy Murray walks into Ikea and asks for a flat pack trophy cabinet.
The shop clerk says, “Fuск off, you’ll bring it back” Scottish Тwат!

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A song can't have any soul if it was written during study hall.

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I'm a different type of comic. I tend to start slow and then just kind of -- urinate on myself.

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If someone changed the wifi password at the white house to iloveobama, trump would never get wifi.

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There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.

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