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I had to take my 10-year-old daughter to a Justin Bieber concert.
The wife wife wouldn’t go, and I didn’t want to go on my own yet again.

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Thanks to the Pistorius verdict, millions of South African women are shiттing themselves….
…instead of using a toilet.

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It took four En Vogue to make one Aretha song.

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The three British extremists who beheaded James Foley and guarded prisoners were nicknamed the Beatles as they speak good English.
The remaining Islamic State members who speak very poor English have been nicknamed The Rooney Family.

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The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

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Chris Eubank has written a book about ethics, if it sells he’ll write one about kent as well.
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I was walking through town yesterday, when I came across a large black man with a mohawk and jewellery.
He said, “I piy the fool.”
I said, “Hey, you missed a T.”

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If I had to rate my stress level, I'd say I'm getting close to 2007 Britney Spears.

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Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to?

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John F. Kennedy could finish a drive better than the 2013 Denver Broncos.

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What was Beyonce doing on google? Getting In formation

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What's the same between Michelle Jackson and a xbox. They both get turned on by little boys

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Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.
“Shelf E,” replied the librarian.
“Aye that’s the one,” said Sean

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Rihanna is rumoured to be launching a new TV talent show this Autumn.
It’s called The Ex Smacked ‘Er.

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I’ve just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that predictable сunт Edward Scissorhands.

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A Nurse Was Taking Care Of A Soldier In The Army Hospital.
The Soldier Said:
“How I Wish I Could Kiss The American Flag Before I Die”
The Nurse Was Extremely Touched By The Soldier’s Patriotism And Said.
Nurse:
“I Have A Tattoo Of The American Flag On My Bottom, You May Kiss It If You Don’t Mind.”
The Soldier Said:
“Of Course, I Wouldn’t Mind. Thank You For Fulfilling My Last Wish”
The Nurse Took Off Her Раnтiеs And The Dying Soldier Kissed The Flag.
Soldier Said:
“Thank You, Nurse, Now Would You Be So Kind To Turn Around So That I Could Kiss Bush Too.”

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I hate mixed stations. They always try to play too many songs that don't fit together, you know? They try to slam all these different kinds of music together:
'That was Anne Murray, and now, Anthrax.' Oh, that should be good. You go from 'Wayne's World' to Wayne Newton's world in two seconds.

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After the show, this lady came up to me, and she said, 'You are very funny, and you are waiting to be discovered.' I don't know if that's true, but if it is, I certainly know how magnesium felt in 1816.

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