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I was walking through town yesterday, when I came across a large black man with a mohawk and jewellery.
He said, “I piy the fool.”
I said, “Hey, you missed a T.”

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If I had to rate my stress level, I'd say I'm getting close to 2007 Britney Spears.

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Why is easy listening music so hard to listen to?

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What was Beyonce doing on google? Getting In formation

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What's the same between Michelle Jackson and a xbox. They both get turned on by little boys

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Donald Trump has claimed that if the murdered journalists in France had been carrying guns, then they would’ve had a fighting chance.
No Donald, they would’ve had a fighting chance if the terrorists had been carrying stationery.

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Sean Connery walks into a library and asks for a book on solo photography.
“Shelf E,” replied the librarian.
“Aye that’s the one,” said Sean

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Rihanna is rumoured to be launching a new TV talent show this Autumn.
It’s called The Ex Smacked ‘Er.

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I’ve just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that predictable сunт Edward Scissorhands.

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A Nurse Was Taking Care Of A Soldier In The Army Hospital.
The Soldier Said:
“How I Wish I Could Kiss The American Flag Before I Die”
The Nurse Was Extremely Touched By The Soldier’s Patriotism And Said.
Nurse:
“I Have A Tattoo Of The American Flag On My Bottom, You May Kiss It If You Don’t Mind.”
The Soldier Said:
“Of Course, I Wouldn’t Mind. Thank You For Fulfilling My Last Wish”
The Nurse Took Off Her Раnтiеs And The Dying Soldier Kissed The Flag.
Soldier Said:
“Thank You, Nurse, Now Would You Be So Kind To Turn Around So That I Could Kiss Bush Too.”

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I hate mixed stations. They always try to play too many songs that don't fit together, you know? They try to slam all these different kinds of music together:
'That was Anne Murray, and now, Anthrax.' Oh, that should be good. You go from 'Wayne's World' to Wayne Newton's world in two seconds.

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After the show, this lady came up to me, and she said, 'You are very funny, and you are waiting to be discovered.' I don't know if that's true, but if it is, I certainly know how magnesium felt in 1816.

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A song can't have any soul if it was written during study hall.

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I'm a different type of comic. I tend to start slow and then just kind of -- urinate on myself.

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If someone changed the wifi password at the white house to iloveobama, trump would never get wifi.

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There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on.

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Michael J Fox was arrested today for shoplifting.
Serves the thick сunт right for trying to steal a tambourine.

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I was asked today if I liked Beyonce. I said, “Are you joking? I would liск the shiт from her аrsеhоlе.”
“Erm… OK…” my Gran replied. “Does that mean you’d like her album for your birthday?”

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