Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can’t look that old. Well . . . You’ll love this one.
My name is alice , and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-hairedboy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school …
“Yes. Yes, i did. I’m a mustang,” he gleamed with pride.
When did you graduate?’ i asked.
He answered, “in 1975. Why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly,
Old,
Bald,
Wrinkled faced,
Fat-assed,
Gray-haired,
Decrepit
Son-of-a-bitch
Asked,
“What did you teach???”
Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that “Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls,” and would his mother, “please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.”
So Johnny’s mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…
So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
- Ok, now take off my skirt…
And he takes off her skirt.
- Now take off my вrа…
Which he does.
- And now, Johnny, please take off my раnтiеs.
And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
“Johnny, PLEASE don’t wear any of my clothes to school any more!”
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! (While filled with illusion I wrote you this letter) I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year! Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!
What ваlls you have leaving me a fuскing yo-yo, a sтuрid аss whistle, and a pair of socks! What the fuск were you thinking, you fат son of a вiтсh, that you’ve taken me for a sucker the whole fuскing year, to come out with some shiт like this under the dамn tree. As if you hadn’t fuскеd me enough, you gave that little shiтhеаd across the street so many fuскing toys, that he can’t even walk into his dамn house!
Please don’t let me see you trying to fit your big fат аss down my chimney next year! “I’ll fuск you up!” I’ll throw rocks at those sтuрid аss reindeers of yours, and scare them the fuск away, so you’ll have to walk your big fат аss back to the northpole, just like i have to do since you didn’t get me that fuскing bike, you punk вiтсh!!
You know what santa, fuск you!! Next year you’ll find out how bad i can really fuскing be…you’ve been sleeping on a мотhеrfuскеr far too long!
So watch your back next year, you fат вiтсh!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: … …
…
(1) “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” …
…
(2) “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?” …
…
(3) “Were you present when your picture was taken?” …
…
(4) “Were you alone or by yourself?”
(5) “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
(6) “Did he кill you?”
(7) “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
(8) “How many times have you committed suicide?”
(9) Q:
“So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
“Yes.”
“And what were you doing at that time?”
(10) Q:
“She had three children, right?”
“Yes.”
“How many were boys?”
“None.”
“How many were girls?”
(11) Q:
“You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
“Yes.”
“And these stairs, did they go up also?”
(12) Q:
“All your responses must be оrаl, OK? What school did you go to?”
“Оrаl.”
“What city do you currently reside in?”
“Оrаl.”
(13) Q:
“Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
“The autopsy started around 8:30 p. M.”
“And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
“No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
(14) Q:
“You were shot in the fracas?”
“No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”
Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.
One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”
Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.
A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”
“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Betty - it’s me, Bertha.”
“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.
“Bertha! Where are you?”
“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.
“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most
Freshman courses, it was designed to wееd out new students, having over 700 students in the class.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.
“Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in.
All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor’s desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.
“No you don’t, I am not going to accept that, It’s late!” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?”
“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t,” replied the professor sarcastically.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again. “No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority.
“Good!” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now ...
There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister
"What's the first letter?"
She said "Shut up!"
Then he asked "what's the second letter?"
She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?"
His dad said "Go! Go! Go!"
"What's the fourth letter?"
"64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?"
His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"
The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?"
"Shut up!"
"Are you trying to get in trouble?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Go! Go! Go!"
"How many spankings do you want?
"64! 64! 64!"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"