School Jokes

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When I was young, I was assigned a book report on any book of my choosing.
So I read the phone book and for my report I wrote, "This book hasn't much of a plot, but it does have a lot of characters!"

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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”

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I wasn't a bad kid, but I wasn't a good student, you know what I mean? My mind was just always elsewhere. Even at my high school graduation, I didn't even hear 'em calling my name 'cause I was too busy playing with the tassel on my hat.

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On the first day of school, Peter handed his new teacher a note from his mother. The teacher unsealed the note, read it, looked at Peter with a frown, and placed the note inside a desk drawer. “So what did she write?” Peter asked. “It’s a disclaimer.”
“A what?”
“It says, ‘ The opinions expressed by Peter are not necessarily those of his mother or father,’”

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It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most
Freshman courses, it was designed to wееd out new students, having over 700 students in the class.
The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.
Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet. “You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.
“Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.
After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in.
All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor’s desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.
“No you don’t, I am not going to accept that, It’s late!” The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?”
“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t,” replied the professor sarcastically.
“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again. “No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority.
“Good!” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

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When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.
"I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."
At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said,
"Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said,
"Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now ...

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There was a kid who wouldn't learn the letters of the alphabet, so his teacher said 'go home, and learn the letters!' He went home and asked his sister
"What's the first letter?"
She said "Shut up!"
Then he asked "what's the second letter?"
She was singing along with the radio, so she said "Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
Then he went to see his dad, who was watching football, and said "What's the third letter?"
His dad said "Go! Go! Go!"
"What's the fourth letter?"
"64! 64! 64!" Then he went to see his brother, who was watching TV, and said "What's the sixth letter?"
His brother ignored him while watching TV and said "na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"
The next day the teacher said. "Okay, what's the first letter?"
"Shut up!"
"Are you trying to get in trouble?"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
"Do you want to go to the principal's office?"
"Go! Go! Go!"
"How many spankings do you want?
"64! 64! 64!"
"Who do you think you are?"
"Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na BATMAN!"

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I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down.

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Teacher: Today is the first day of the school, any questions?
John: Yes, when will the Holidays start?

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One day little Johnny came home from school and heard his mother crying in her room. He slowly opened the door and saw her rubbing herself and saying "Ohhhh I need a man", over and over. He closes the door and runs to his room. The next day when little Johnny gets home from school he is greeted by a strange man. Little Johhny immediately runs to his room takes off his pants and starts rubbing himself saying "Ohhhh I need a bike"

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Why did Clemson choose orange as a school color?…
So that the football team could wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up garbage for the rest of the week. …
…
Why did O. J. Simpson go to Raleigh, NC in the Ford Bronco? …
He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner. …
…
What are the longest three years of a Duke player’s life?
His freshman year.
Why did Georgia Tech replace the grass in its football stadium with astroturf?
They didn’t want the cheerleaders to graze at halftime.
Why do Wake Forest cheerleaders wear bibs?
To keep the tobacco juice off the uniforms.
How do you get a Maryland graduate off your porch?
Pay for the pizza.
How many Florida State freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because that’s a sophomore course at Florida State.
What’s the difference between the Florida Gators and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.
How do you castrate a Tennessee Volunteers fаn? A: Kick his sister in the mouth.
What does a Syracuse fаn do when his team has won the National Championship?
He turns off his PlayStation 3.

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My maths teacher asked me a question today at school, “What comes after 69?”
Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.

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Three men were doing they’re normal “I can top you” routine. The first man says, “I can remember back to the first day I was in nursery school.”
The second man says, “I can to that. I can remember back to the day I was born, hearing the doctor congratulating my mother on what a big, healthy baby I was.”
The third man starts laughing. “You think that’s going back?! I remember going to a dance with my father and coming home with my mother”

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A 4-year-old kid was at school and his teacher told him that his homework was to learn the first four letters of the alphabet. At home his mum was on the phone when he asked her what’s the first letter of the alphabet so she said “Shut up.” His dad was watching a football match when the kid asked him about the second letter of the alphabet so he said “YES YES YES!!!” because his favorite team had just scored. His brother was playing Bat-Man when the kid asked him what’s the third letter of the alphabet so he said “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” and the kid went away, happy. His 2 and 3/4 year old sisters playing with her dolls when he asked her about the fourth letter of the alphabet so she said “On my voom voom car.” The next day at school when his teacher asked him for the first letter of the alphabet he said Shut Up, so the teacher asked him if he wanted to go to the principal’s office, and he said YES YES YES!!! At the principal’s office the principle asked him “Who do you think you are?” the kid replied “Na na na na na na na na BATMAN!!!!” so the principle said “How are you going to get out of this mess?” And the kid replied “On my voom voom car”

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School kids were having a debate about the U. S. Presidential election.
Emma said, “We need a candidate who is willing to tax the ultra rich and give to the poor”.
Little Johnny stood up and said, “I didn’t know Robin Hood was running!”

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Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around apples for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have an apple."
"I don't freakin' want one," declared Johnny.
The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day. When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him, "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your apple."
"I don't freakin' want one," stated Little Johnny again.
The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"
"So?" said his mother, "Don't freakin' give him one."

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I t’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook”.
“Good Rodney” says the teacher, “how about you, Johnny?'”
Johnny stands up and stammers, “my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no,E-L-E-C-K-T no …. L-E-C-K- no….
The teacher interrupts, “never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?”
Vinnie stands up and says, “My dad’s a воокiе, that’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you ten to one odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell electrician!”

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