I t’s career day at school and the teacher instructs his students each to stand up, state their parents occupation, spell it and then tell what their parent would do if they were here today.
Little Rodney stands up and says, ” my father is an accountant, A-C-C-O-U-N-T- A-N-T, and if he were here today, he would help you balance your checkbook”.
“Good Rodney” says the teacher, “how about you, Johnny?'”
Johnny stands up and stammers, “my father is an electrician, E-L-E-K-T, no, no,E-L-E-C-K-T no …. L-E-C-K- no….
The teacher interrupts, “never mind Johnny, sit down, how about you Vinnie?”
Vinnie stands up and says, “My dad’s a воокiе, that’s B-O-O-K-I-E, and if he were here today he’d give you ten to one odds that there’s no way Johnny’s ever gonna spell electrician!”
Sam and Abe, now in their late seventies, first met in the second grade in a school on the lower East Side of New York. Their relationship now is one of playing pinochle, playing jokes and making bets.
Sam calls Abe and says, “I got a bet for you: I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars!” Abe says, “How can that be? If you knew anything about biology, you …”
Sam interrupts, “I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard, …one thousand dollars, …yes or no!!”
Abe says, “Okay, okay, I’ll take your bet! How long is yours soft?”
Sam says, “Eleven years!”
Two young men applied for an engineering job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, they missed only one question.
The manager went up to one of the guys and said,
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."
The engineer said,
"But why, we both got nine questions right?"
The manager said,
"We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
The engineer asked,
"And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the other engineer put down on question number five, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I'."
A young boy says to his father “Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you.”
“What happened?” The father asks.
“Well, she asks me, ‘how much is 7 * 9?’ I answer ’63’ , then she asks, ‘and 9 * 7?’ so I asked ‘what’s the fuскing difference?’ ”
“Indeed, what is the difference?” asks the father. ”Sure, I’ll go.”
The next day, the boy comes home from school “Dad, have you gone by the school?” He asks.
“Not yet.”
“Well when you do, come and see the gym teacher also.”
“Why?” asks the father.
The boy explains, “Well we had a gym class today, and he asked me to raise my left arm, I did. Then my right arm, I also raised it. Then he asked me to lift my right leg, so I did. ‘Now,’ he says, ‘lift your left leg,’ so I asked ‘What, am I suppose to stand on my соск!?'”
“Exactly,” says the father. “Alright, I’ll come.”
The next day, the boy asks his father “Did you go to the school?”
“No, not yet.”
“Don’t bother, I got expelled.”
Surprised, the father asks “Why did you get expelled?”
“Well, they summoned me to the principal’s office, and sitting there were the math teacher, the gym teacher, and the art teacher.”
“The fuск was the art teacher doing there!?” asks the father.
“That’s what I said” replied the boy.
A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked,
"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"
The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean." With that the father went to the telephone an dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said,
"Hello, is Melvin there?"
The man answered, "There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial them?"
"See," said the father to his daughter. "That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch...." The father dialed the number again. "Hello, is Melvin there?" asked the father.
"Now look here!" came the heated reply. "You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got a lot of nerve calling again!" The receiver slammed down hard.
The father turned to his daughter and said,
"You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means." He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, "Hello!," the father calmly said,
"Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?"
There once was a little boy and a teacher, and the teacher said "You better learn your ABC's tonight little kid." So the little kid went home and asked his mom,"Mom, what's the first letter of the alphabet?" And she said,
"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So he went to his sisters room and asked,"Hey sis, what's the second letter of the alphabet?" She said,"Oh yeah!" Wanting to learn more, he went to the his brothers room and asked," Yo bro, what's the third letter of the alphabet?" He said ... BATMAN!
Then he went outside and asked the garbageman,"What's the fourth letter of the alphabet?" So the garbageman said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE.
The next day he went back to school and the teacher asked the little kid," Did you learn your ABC's yesterday?" And the little kid said,"Quiet I'm on the phone!" So the teacher asked,"Do you want to go to the principal's office young man?!"He said,"Oh yeah!" Off he went to the principal's office and the principal said,
"What's your name sir?" The little boy said, ... BATMAN! Then the principal asked," where do you live?" So the little boy said," In the GARBAGE, in the GARBAGE!"