School Jokes

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If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.

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When you have a fат friend at school see-saws no longer exist, only catapults.

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Question: What’s the difference between a software problem and a hardware problem in laymen terms?
Answer: A software “problem” is like joining the debate team and finding out your first opponent was last years champion.
A hardware “problem” is like joining the wrestling team and finding out your first opponent is the captain of the other team and his name happens to be G. O. Rilla.

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I can do some things now that I couldn't do when I was 17, like date high school girls.

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In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture…. There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.
“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.
“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

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T-Shirts I OWN: … 70 … …
… …
T-Shirts I WEAR: … 10 … …
… …
T-Shirts I am willing to GIVE AWAY … 0

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“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s…. Oh sh1t, it is a plane!”
What’s Al Qaida’s favorite football team?
The New York Jets
What color were Mohammed Atta’s eyes?
Blue. One blue this way, the other blue that way!
What was the last thing going through Mr. Jones’ head when he was working on the World Trade Center’s 90th floor?
The 91st floor.
What kind of pizzas did they last order at the World Trade Center?
Two large planes!
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
New Yorkers. Some of them go through 110 stories in 5 seconds
Why do tourists flock to New York?
It’s a blast
What should have tipped off the ticket sellers?
When the terrorists asked if there was anything cheaper than one-way.
10. There are now 18 fewer Arab taxi drivers terrorizing the streets.
9. Flight training schools proved that they are expensive but worth it.
8. People are learning how to spell “Afghanistan” correctly.
7. Plenty of parking available at airports now.
6. Jerry Springer Show was off the air for a whole week.
5. Sales for U. S. flags are way up.
4. Several new job openings now at NYPD and NYFD.
3. Much lower electric bills for Manhattan.
2. Home videos of the WTC attack more spectacular than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s last 5 movies.
And the number one …
1. Some great new unobstructed views of Manhattan now.

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A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error. He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became so proud of what the car can do without mistakes.
One day, he wasn’t able to go out, his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school because she was so tired.
The man agreed and said to the car; Car, go and bring my children from school. The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive. He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station. As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said; “These are your children sir”. In the car was their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbours two sons.
The Wife said; Don’t tell me all these ones are your children?.
The man asked her calmly; Can you tell me why our children are not in the car? …=D

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A man walks into a bar, sits down next to a beautiful woman and says,
" Hi I'm Dave".
She looks at him and says,
"I know Dave, we went to high school together".
He says,
"I would have remembered you from high school."
She says,
"Dave, it's me Richard. I'm a woman now."
Dave looks at her in disbelief, "Wow, well they did a good job! Did it hurt when they gave you those вrеаsт?"
"No, they just gave me some pills to make them grow вiggеr."
"Well did it hurt when they uh, you know, down there?"
"No, its a pretty routine surgery now, just had a little discomfort. I have to tell you the worst pain with the whole thing is when they stuck a vacuum in my ear and suскеd out half of my brain."

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On a Chemistry exam at Midpark High School in Middleburg Heights, Ohio, one question concerned how to clean the floor after a chemical-powder spill.
In detail, I described the liquid I would combine with the powder in order to dissolve it with chemical bonding and electron transfer. I was pleased with my grasp of molecular structure until the exams were handed back. L
Our teacher asked another student to read her answer. She suggested a broom and a dustpan to sweep up the spill -- and got full credit.

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A fifth grader class was on an educational field trip. As they rode along in the school bus, the teacher noticed that one boy was lying facedown in the aisle of the bus with his hands over his eyes.
“Why are you lying in the aisle like that?”
“Well,” said the boy, “if you don’t see anything, you don’t have to write anything.”

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Quite a few people aren’t aware that I studied abroad for a year.
Alas, she didn’t teach me anything I didn’t already know.

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One day, two little friends were walking home from school and kid #1 said,” I have noticed, in the morning while looking out my window that your father goes to work earlier than my dad, yet they work together... Why is that?" Then kid #2 not having a clear answer, replies "well, he goes early to swing on the gate!"

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My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school. One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the intercom wasn't working properly.
My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.
After making some fixes, she asked,
"Is that okay now?"
"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."

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Teacher: What are the four main food groups?
Students: Canned, frozen, instant, and lite.

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Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.
She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r ” after the first letter. ”
The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy. ”
A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.
Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher, “I remember it has an “r ” after the first letter. “That’s right! ” she coaxed.
Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says, “was it …Mrs. Crunt? “

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Little Johnny goes into school after being absent the previous day.
His teacher demands, “Where were you yesterday?”
“I’m sorry Miss, my dad got burnt,” replies Johnny.
“Oh, I’m sorry, I hope it wasn’t serious.” says the teacher.
To which Johnny replies, “Well, they don’t fсuк about at the crematorium, Miss.”

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I'm reaching my sеxuаl peak here, tonight. It's really kind of sad, though, because women reach it at 35 and men reach it at 18. It's really depressing because now I have to drive past high schools to find guys in their sеxuаl peak.

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