School Jokes

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The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she’d direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

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What is the only good thing about paedophiles? They never break the speed limit when they drive past schools.

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"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on... It makes the house look more cheery."
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me... Just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket -- the wind-chill is bound to improve."
"Sure you can go joyriding with Evan. He's only had one major accident."
"Don't bother cleaning your room, I bought a second set of dishes."

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What do an old person, a Mexican man, and a high school student close to graduation have in common?
They're all seniors.

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Students in an advanced Biology class was taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, “Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.” The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the веll rang for the end of class he wrote:
7. It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A

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How the teacher laughed when I told him I wanted to be a cardiologist when I grew up.
He won’t be laughing now when he opens his chicken nuggets to find there’s no dip in with them.

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A man walked up to a school and said "can you teach me to read and write"
The administrator said,
"Yes we can"! Just fill out this form."

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I have a friend in chef’s school …
He started stealing cutlery from his cooking classes …
It was a whisk he was willing to take.

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When my daughter came home from school to find her pet rabbit missing she looked everywhere for it,
Eventually asking me, “Where can he be?”
- ” Maybe you should look somewhere where there might be carrots” I suggested
“That’s a good idea” she replied
“And peas, onions and gravy” I added as I dished up stew for dinner.

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I wish I went to boarding school as a kid…
Would love to be able to surf.

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The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said,
"I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, a little girl said,
"Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

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Our closest enemy is Castro. Anybody scared of Castro? Nah. It's like рissing off the slow kid in school.

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Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.

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My five-year-old nephew has always happily answered to BJ. That ended when he came home from his first day of school in a foul mood. It seems his teacher took roll call and he never heard his name.
"Why didn’t anyone tell me my name was William?!" he complained.

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A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said Tommy.
"No," said Billy, "he’s just for good luck."
Peter brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," he said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"
"No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"
Again the answer was "No!"
"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

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…What is the difference between Cheerios and the Nebraska Cornhuskers? …
…Cheerios look better in a bowl.
… ….
…Why does Memorial Stadium have Astroturf instead of grass? …
… It prevents the Nebraska cheerleaders from grazing during halftime.
… Why is a Nebraska cheerleader like railway tracks?
… Because she’s been laid all over the country!
…What do you call a Nebraska cheerleader with pigtails?
…A вlоw job with handlebars.
…What happened to the Nebraska cheerleader when she did the splits?
…10 class rings fell out.
…Whom is the best Nebraska cheerleader in the world?
…The one that never misses a period.

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Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.
After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps ваnging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing on my bagpipes."

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