School Jokes

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Teacher: Now, you must not say, “I ain’t goin’.” You should say, “I am not going, he is not going; we are not going; they are not going.”
Student: Wow! Ain’t nobody goin’ then?

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I was taking a stand-up comedy class but I had to quit...
My teacher was making me feel funny.

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The professor had just related to his history class the event where an ancient runner had covered the 29 miles from the plains of Marathon to Troy to finally cry "Victory - Victory" and then fall dead from the run. Asking for comments, the class sat quietly until one student, a cross-country team member from the back of the room quietly asked - "did anybody get his time?"

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Teacher:
"Class, in this final exam, everybody should get at least 75% marks."
Student:
"We are all trying for 100% sir!"
Teacher:
"Are you being serious?"
Student:
"Well, no sir. But it was you who cracked a joke first."

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Biology Class Teacher: Which Mammal flies in air but gives birth to young ones on land?
Paddy was so excited, as for the 1st time he knew the ‘Answer’!!
Paddy: AIRHOSTESS!!!

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Teacher: Handful of nuts can help your heart!
Teacher: I love nuts
Class: Ewwww
Teacher: No I MEANT THE ONE YOU EAT!
Nick: Ohhhh, SO you mean my dads?
Teacher: ...........

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History Teacher:
"Why was George Washington standing in the bow of the boat as the army crossed the Delaware?"
Student:
"Because he knew if he sat down, he would have to row."

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The law professor was lecturing on courtroom procedure. “When you are fighting a case and have the facts on your side, hammer away at the facts. If you have the law on your side, hammer away with the law.” “But what if you have neither the facts nor the law on your side?” “In that case,” said the professor, “hammer away on the table.”

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Melissa went up to her college professor, ready to contest the grade she received in the class. "I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper?
After staring at her with a blank look, the professor responded. "Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation."

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Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.

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“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, ‘I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.”
“You see, sir,” I’m no good at math, either!”

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What did the math teacher say to Dracula after he failed the math test?
"Can't you Count Dracula?"

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The teacher asks: Now, Susan, how may fingers have you?
Susan: Ten.
Teacher: Right. Now if you lost four of them, what would you have?
Susan: No more piano lessons.

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The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?”
One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

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TEACHER: Did your parents help with the homework John?
JOHN: Nope, I got them wrong all by myself.

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I recently ran into an old student of mine, who said, “I always liked you. You never had favorites."
"Why thank you," I replied.
Then he concluded with, "You were mean to everyone.”

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“Alfred, if I had 20 marbles in my right pants pocket, 20 marbles in my left pants pocket, 40 marbles in my right hip pocket and 40 marbles in may left hip pocket - what would I have?”
“Heavy pants, sir!”

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What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus? on a school bus the рriскs are on the inside.

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