Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fаn Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fаn," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fаn Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fаn either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fаn," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
One day, a guy was approached by a rich man who said, "If you marry my daughter, I will give you my house and all of my money." Sure enough the guy says yes. The rich man then warned him that his daughter had been in a terrible car accident and was a little messed up, both physically and mentally. The guy figures she couldn't be that messed up and doesn't change his mind.
So he married the girl - who was that messed up - and on the honeymoon, instead of having to look at her, he put a paper bag over her head when they were having sеx. And the guy used the bag every time they had sеx after that
One day, while the guy was doing some work around the house, he dropped his hammer and said, "Honey, can you get the hammer for me?" The wife shuffled around muttering, "Huh? Get the hammer, get the hammer, get the hammer," and finally picked it up.
After she gave it back to him, he dropped the box of nails and asked, "Honey, can you get nails for me?" She went to fetch it, mumbling, "Huh? Get the nails, get the nails, get the nails." She hands him the nails and he goes back to work.
While the guy is hammering a nail, he accidentally struck his thumb and shouted, "Aww, f**k!" The wife says, "Huh? get the bag, get the bag, get the bag...."
A virgin boy turns 18, and asks his dad for money to go to the whоrе house. His dad gives him 20 bucks and says, "Son, get it done. But one thing before you go, whatever you do, don't venture into Room 88."
The kid agrees. He gets to the whоrе house and says to the lady at the desk, "Hi, I would like to get a room." She responds, "Sorry young man. The only room left is Room 88."
The kid, dripping with horniness, takes it despite his father's warning. When he gets up there, there is a hole in the wall. It says, "Insert соск here for pleasure." He walks over, sticks it in, and gets his c**k suскеd for an hour and a half and explodes inside the mystery mouth hidden behind the wall. He gets home and tells his dad he had his d**k suскеd by a real pro in Room 88. His dad turns deathly pale and cries, "Uh, oh. That was you?"
Three Americans were up against a very large Russian in a wrestling meet. They were nervous because he had a famous move called "The Russian Pretzel," which often landed his opponents in the hospital. When the first American caught a glimpse of him, he said, "Coach, he's HUGE. I'm scared."
The coach replied, "You da MAN! Just go in there and tear him up!" The guy started the match quite confidently, but after about a minute, the Russian picked him up, slammed him into the famous pretzel, and sent him to the emergency room. The same thing happened to the second wrestler, so the third guy was petrified. He told his coach he was backing out. The coach said, "C'mon, son. You're our last chance!"The kid started out pretty well, but when the Russian started to twist him into the pretzel, the coach covered his eyes. When he opened them, he saw the referee holding the American's hand up in victory. The coach, baffled, asked the kid how he did it. "Well Coach, when that dамn Russian picked me up and started twisting my body, it HURT! So when I saw two red things dangling there, I bit them... HARD! You'd be surprised what you can do when you bite your own ваlls!"