I’ve learned that sometimes my ding-ding gets hard and stands up.
Age 6
I’ve learned that рissing in your sister’s shoes gets you belted over the ear from your dad.
Age 9
I’ve learned that weak kids get beaten unmercifully at school.
Age 12
I’ve learnt that getting your hands down a girl’s pants makes you a legend at school.
Age 13
I’ve learnt that girls use their teeth when they suск your diск sometimes.
Age 15
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 17
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 21
I’ve learnt that getting laid is the primary reason for my existence.
Age 24
I’ve learnt that getting laid now involves me also being extremely rich.
Age 28
I’ve learnt that women are money-grabbing c*nts, and that you should only fсuк 18 year olds.
Age 35
I’ve learnt that drugs are a totally acceptable way to cope with reality.
Age 37
I’ve learnt that fсuкing 20 year old girls whilst punching them in the back of the head and at the same time drinking a bottle of 1961 Chateau Margeaux is about the most pleasurable thing in the world.
Age 40
I’ve learnt that it doesn’t matter how old and fат you are, and how much you fаrт, drink, and sweat, young girls will still tell you that you are sеxy if you have a sh1t load of cash.
Age 45
I’ve learnt that not having kids was the best fсuкing move ever.
Age 47
I’ve learnt that I have a disdain for other people that rivals the universe in size.
Age 52
I’ve learnt that old people sh*t me, and that young people рiss me off, and that my friends never shut up about their fсuкing kids, when all I want to do is fсuк a little hottie and get drunк.
Age 57
I’ve learnt that modern medicine can cure all my ailments, so I drink and abuse my body as hard as I can, and trust myself to my physician.
Age 62
I’ve learnt that liver, lung and heart transplants aren’t so bad.
Age 67
I’ve learnt that I didn’t fсuк enough girls in my life, despite the fact I fcuked ten times as many as all my lame friends combined. Age 71
I’ve learned that Viаgrа remakes the man, and that money is the sexiest aspect to any man.
Age 74
I’ve learned that Anna Nicole-Smith is not the only double D breasted blonde who will repulse herself with a smile on her face and fсuк a fат old guy when he has been unzipped down the front to replace all his major organs and now resides in a wheelchair in order to get a shot at the inheritance.
Age 81
I’ve learned that рissing yourself in front of young people is kind of enjoyable, and that when you are in your mid-80’s you can say the most hateful, hurtful, and needlessly mean things and no one gives a fсuк.
Age 85
I’ve learned that I didn’t do enough women, didn’t snort enough coke, and didn’t drink enough good red wine, because I am still fсuкing alive.
Age 92
OFFICIAL LIST OF РUSSУ TYPES
~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Expensive Рussy: Most рussy falls into this definition. Expensive рussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of the рussy found on the USC campus falls into this category.
Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great.
Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of overlimit charges on your credit cards. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Cheap Рussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap рussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, Wants constant reassurance, wants loving constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off
.
Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You’re lucky if you find this.
Disadvantages: Won’t go away, possessive, gets jealous, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding better рussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Hired Рussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired рussy and Expensive рussy is that the money is up-front.
Advantages: You don’t have to stick around, she won’t tell your girlfriend, doesn’t care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive рussy.
Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap рussy in the long run, risk of disease is very high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
4. Virgin Рussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirтy jokes and роrnо movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin рussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.
Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight “fit” if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer “other” services if Virginity is to be maintained.
Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually using birth control which can cause “accidents,” can only be used once. Usually not worth it unless you’re into that sort of thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~
5. Nyмрhо рussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your ваlls into bed and go at it to the point of exhaustion. Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nyмрhомаniа.
Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.
Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
6. Frigid рussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this рussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration)
.
Advantages: There are no advantages.
Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized. Never worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
7. Innocent Nyмрhо рussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hеll of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.
Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.
Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.
~~~~~~~~~~~
8. Party рussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.
Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are really unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.
Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will usually not remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you. Often not worth it.
~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Nutsy Рussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to кill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.
Advantages: Easy.
Disadvantages: Never really worth it.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
A drunк man who smelled like вооzе sat down on a bench next to a priest.
The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunк muttered in response, "Well, I’ll be dамnеd," then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunк answered, "I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
