Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes

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Backwoods High Tech:
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.
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A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining
It to a prospective patient. He told her, “I’ll install a special sсrеw in the top
Of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need
A little tuck, we’ll just tighten the sсrеw a little,… and the wrinkles will disappear!”
The woman was enthused and told the doctor to, “GO FOR IT!” The surgery
Was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy.
A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation.
She pointed to her face and said, “Just look at these bags under my eyes!
Where the hеll did they come from?”
The surgeon looked at her closely and said,
“Those aren’t BAGS under your eyes.
Those are your вrеаsтs.
And if you keep messing around with that sсrеw,… pretty soon you’ll have a goatee!”
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A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away.
Suddenly he says to the bartender, "I have to go home or the wife will be mad".
(at this point he was loaded drunк)
He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face.
The man then said "I can't walk and I didn't have that much to drink?".
He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face.
He says "I have to get home some way or the wife will кill me if I don't get home soon"!
He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home.
He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.
The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room.
She said "you were out drinking again last night weren't you!"
The man replied with "NO WAY!"
And the wife said "YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night"!
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