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Вицове за Животни English Tier-Witze, Tierwitze, Tier Wi... Chistes de animales про животных Blagues sur les animaux Barzellette Animali Ανέκδοτα με ζώα животни Hayvan Fıkraları, Hayvanlar Al... Анекдоти про Тварин, Анекдоти ... Piadas de Animais Dowcipy i kawały: Zwierzęta Djurvitsar, Djur-Skämt, Djur s... Dieren moppen, Dierenmop, Dier... Vitser om dyr Dyrevitser, Vitser om dyr Eläinvitsit Állatos viccek Bancuri Animale Anekdoty a vtipy o zvířátkách ... Anekdotai apie gyvūnus Anekdotes par dzīvniekiem Vicevi o životinjama
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Animal Jokes

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If you’re feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die.
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Most people think that when you find a discarded coin in your house it got there by accident but I actually think it was brought there by spiders trying to pay you rent.
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There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.
So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.
The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"
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When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat; they take a message.
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I just made my hamster a strong coffee.
I don’t want him falling asleep at the wheel.
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, "Oh my, I could be eating a slow learner..."
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.” Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Мiск Jagger, and that it’s okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, “Sure. I have this,” and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she’ll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, “There’s a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.”
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. “I mean, what in the world is this?”
The bank manager looks back at her and says. “It’s a knick-knack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
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The police came by my flat and said that my dog had chased someone on a bike.
I said, “you must be kidding, my dog doesn’t have a bike.”
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I taught my sheepdog how to count.
Now all he does is fuскing sleep.
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One time when I was feeding the squirrels, I happened to catch sight of two rats who were looking on with obvious envy, and it hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.
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An elephant asked a camel, “Why are your вrеаsтs on your back?”
“Well,” says the camel, “I think that’s a strange question from somebody whose johnson is on his face.”
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What do you call a cat that drinks your lemonade?
A Sour Puss
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A dog is so smart that his master decides to send him to college.
Home for vacation, his master asks him how college is going.
"Well," says the dog, "I'm not doing too great in science and math, but I have made a lot of progress in foreign languages."
"Really?" says the master. "Say something in a foreign language."
The dog says,
"Meow!"
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Scientists have discovered that the first known animals to reproduce sexually were an early species of fish.
And the smell remains to this day.
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Q. What is the most popular name for a dog in Korea?
A. Starter
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Two snakes are slithering through the jungle.
One says to the other ” Are we snakes that crush our prey or are we snakes that have poison fangs?”
The other says “we are crusher snakes!”
The first snake then says “thank fuск for that!”
The second snake says “why?”
The first snake says “Because I’ve just bitten my fuскing tongue!”
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Did you hear about the frog who went to the library to get some reading material? As the librarian on duty suggested a list of titles, the frog was heard replying, "Read it…read it... Read it...."
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In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it!"
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