Animal Jokes

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Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!

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What goes "oooooooooooooooo!!!"?
A соw with no lips.

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A pony walks into a bar and asks, "Bartender, may I have a drink?"
Bartender says,
"What? I can't hear you. Speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?" asks the pony.
"What? You have to speak up!" the bartender says.
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you," the bartender says.
"I'm sorry," the pony adds, "I'm just a little hoarse."

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Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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A giraffe walks into a bar.
“Вlооdy hеll,” said the barman. “You’re the first giraffe that’s ever been in here.”
“Not surprised,” replied the giraffe. “That door frame’s far too fuскing low.”

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A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord “Fuск me, that must be one clever dog”
“Not really” said the landlord, “Every time he gets a good hand his fuскing tail starts wagging”

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I saw something cute the other day. I saw this woman pushing a stroller, and in the stroller was a small dog. And I was like, 'Lucky dog.' And she's like, 'Well, he's paralyzed.'

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I bought a new book today called “How to end your pet’s life with dignity”
Even after I’d read it, I just couldn’t put it down.

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Did you hear about the elephant who was always left out of things and thus felt irrelephant?

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At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at me:
“That’s not true! I do enjoy sеx!”
Then, turning to the counsellor, she said:
“But this ANIMAL here expects it three or four times a year!”

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Did you hear about the monkey with a steak on his head, thought he was a grills?

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Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

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Me: Max I am sick of you shiттing all over the lawn
My Dog Max: Well I don’t complain when you take shiтs in my water bowl.

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Two birds were sitting on a tree and one looked at the other and said, ‘Dam today really FLEW by’.

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What kind of construction are dogs good at?
Roofing

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When I was a child I wanted to be a web designer. I’ve always had a fascination with spiders.

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Yo mama's like a bowling ball shes picked up fingered and then thrown in a gutter

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Come on, we're endangered. We HAVE to do it!

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