Animal Jokes

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Every time I see a politician on the campaign trail, they make all kinds of promises they have no intention of living up to. Basically, our election system has become a more sophisticated version of that game you used to play with your dog when you were a kid, where you'd take a tennis ball and fake throw it and watch him run out and try to find it. 'What is that? Is that healthcare? You want healthcare, don't you? Go get it!'

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Just quit my job at the poultry farm. I’m fed up of working with соскs.

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Q. Why did the worker on the egg farm get fired from his job?
A. Because he had a сrаск addiction.

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I’m finally realizing how dangerous my Pit Bull can be. His favorite воnе is my left arm.

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Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.

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I got a parrot; it turned on me. You don't realize how strong those birds are, but I was walking by its cage one day -- boom! -- the next thing you know, I'm in a chair,; I'm all tied up; I have a gag in my mouth. And the parrot's sitting in front of me going, 'Now you repeat after me: Hello, hello, who's the pretty boy now, huh?'

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A man was sent to prison for 20 years. He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc. He served his time and was released.
He took his ant with him in a matchbox. The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant. He then said to the guy beside him, "You are not gonna believe what this ant can do."
He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.
The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "You see that ant?" The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "Sorry sir it won't happen again."

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiот, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus.
The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin’ it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet.
The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
“Ha!” the Scot says. “Can’t you play it?”
The octopus looks up at him and says, “Play it? I’m going to sсrеw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”

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A mother was talking to her three year-old daughter about animals.
The mother asked,
"How does the соw sound?"
The three year old said,
"Moo!"
The mother asked,
"How does a duck sound?"
The three year old answered,"Quack!"
The mother asked,
"How does a frog sound?"
The three year old said,
"Bud!!!"

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What drug was the duck on?
Qwack!

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Can’t believe how awesome my new pet goldfish is. Just found out that if you put it on the carpet it can actually do break dancing.

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An elephant was walking in a park. With each step he took, he squished many little ants. Upset, the ants began to crawl up on the elephant -- first his legs and then up all over his body. When the elephant started feeling all the little ants on him, he shook hard, making all the little ants, except for one, fall to the ground. As the only ant on the elephant hung on close to the elephant's neck, the ones on the ground began to yell, "Strangle him!!! Strangle him!!!"

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How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.

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What did the sick fish say to his friend?
I'm a little green around the gills.

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I thought I'd like this thing because I like meat. Three days into it, I had eaten so much meat, I was perusing the neighborhood at four in the morning looking for cats and stuff. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. I've got bacon fат dripping off my eyelashes. People are like, 'Hey, you look pretty good. Did you lose some weight?'
'Get over here. I'll eat your face right off your head.'

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Why can’t you have two elephants in your swimming pool at the same time?
Because they’d only have one pair of trunks.

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I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

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I might vote for Bush. I'm confused. My dog is not confused; he sees a bush, he knows exactly what to do.

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