Animal Jokes

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Just made a new website for orphans, there’s no homepage.

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Two Cows are talking through a fence. One соw says to the other, "You know, I'm really worried about this Mad Соw Disease." The other соw says to him, "I wouldn't be too worried about it. It can't affect us chickens."

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A rabbit walked into a restaurant with a lion. The waiter seats them and asks the rabbit, "What will you have?" The rabbit says bring me a half a head of lettuce. The waiter looks at the lion and says; and what will he have? The rabbit says "The lion?" he's not eating". The waiter says "why? Isn’t he hungry?" Then the rabbit says "if he was hungry do you think I'd be here?"

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I would hate to be a centipede.
Can you imagine leg day at the gym.

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Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end." The other monkey said o. K. I'll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can. So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees. The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks "Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch. So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and starts to read it. All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says,
"Did you see a monkey run by here?" The monkey goes, "You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end?" And the lion says,"Dang it was in the paper already?"

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A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, “Got any bread?”
Barman says:
“No”
Duck says:
“Got any Bread?”
Barman says:
“No”
Duck says:
“Got any Bread?”
Barman says:
“No, we have no bread.”
Duck says:
“Got any bread”
Barman says:
“No, we haven’t got any fuскing bread.”
Duck says:
“Got any bread?”
Barman says:
“No, are you deaf? We haven’t got any fuскing bread. Ask me again and I’ll nail your fuскing beak to the bar, you irritating ваsтаrd bird!”
Duck says:
“Got any nails?”
Barman says:
“No.”
Duck says:
“Got any bread?”

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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “O. K., Get in the car with it.”
“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.
“But what about the smell?”
“Just hold its nose.”
The man is expected to recover, but she used the skunk to beat him with and it died at the scene.

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Sorry, my dog ate your text message.

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I love the way you move... Like butter on a bald monkey.

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How many ducks would there be, if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks, two ducks between two ducks, and two ducks behind two ducks?
Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.

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If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird brings black babies, what bird brings NO babies? …
A Swallow.

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Q. Why did the skeleton run up the tree?
A. Because a dog was after his bones!

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Just saw a donkey crossing the road, funny thing was he looked both ways. Smart аss xxxx

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You can change a cat's litter box but you can't change its Purr-ceptions!

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Did you hear about the 6 Chinese sailors who were killed by a killer whale?
Apparently it was an orca-strated attack.

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Q. Why did the parrot die of starvation?
A. Because it couldn’t say I’m hungry.

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Harry arrived early for his date and he waited in the living room while she finished getting ready.
Her pup walked into the room with a ball. He tossed the ball and the pup fetched it.
He repeated the game a few times when the ball bounced too high and went out on to the patio of the 23 story building. The eager pup chased it as it bounced high against the wall and unfortunately went over the wall and down the 23 floors.
Shaken, Harry struggled with how he could possibly explain what happened to his date. When she entered the room, Harry said,
"Did you notice how depressed your pup seemed to be today?"

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Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.

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