Animal Jokes

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Some deer were talking with each other in the woods.
"There goes Barney the buck, out on his sales route."
"They say he's their top selling salesdeer, selling cosmetics to the ladies."
"I wonder what makes him so successful?"
"It's simple. He goes doe to doe!"

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Daisy and Bullett, two horses, were talking. "Woe is me!" said Daisy.
"Why so glum, chum?" asked Bullett.
"I really don't feel that down," Daisy replied. "It's just that my owner, Roy, keeps reinforcing affliction and distress upon me. It happens every time we hit the trail."
"I think you're imagining things, " countered Bullett.
"Here comes Roy now, for a ride. I'll prove it to you." Daisy trots off with Roy on his back. They run a half mile or so, then turn around. As they rounded the corner towards Bullett's pen, he heard Roy yell, "Whoa, Daisy, whoa!"
"What'd I tell you?" Daisy shouted to Bullett. "Woe is me!"

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I’m organizing a bird-watching expedition. Do you want to join me? I will be looking for:
An Emerald-Throated Dowager,
The Bleary-Eyed Hangover,
The Gimlet-Eyed Titwatcher,
An Extra Marital Lark,
A Rosy-Breasted Mattress Thrasher.
The Ruffled Spouse
The Hairy-Chested NutScratcher,
The Bluenosed Killjpy
The Pencil-Necked Geek
The Exorbitant Gas Bill
The Round-Heeled Pushover
And the Vested Interest

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The sheep were standing around talking to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "mooooooooooo".
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before. "Mooooo, moooooo, mmmooo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks, "George, why are you mooing? You’re a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

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Why does a Giraffe have long legs?
So that it can reach the ground.

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Two flies on a piece of dog shiт. One of them farts, the other says, “Do you mind, I’m having my dinner”.

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Saw a chameleon today.
So I guess it’s safe to say it was a pretty shiт chameleon.

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Erica is walking out of a movie theater at the same time as a man with a parrot on his shoulder. Erica turns to the man and says,
"Your parrot actually seemed to understand the movie. It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even squawked during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be?"
The man turns to Erica and says,
"I don't understand it either, he didn't like the book at all."

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A zookeeper is ordering new animals. As he fills out the forms, he types “two mongeese”. That doesn’t look quite right, so he tries two mongoose, and then two mongooses.
Giving up, he types, “One mongoose, and while you’re at it, send another one.”

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Hard to take women with false eyelashes seriously. It's like watching two tarantulas scream for attention.

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I look down, I see this big dog sitting there licking himself, like dogs do. I turn to my friend, I say, 'I wish I could do that.' He said, 'Go over and pet him, maybe he'll let you.'

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What did the spider email to the fly?
Visit my Web site!

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While drinking at the river, a young bear admires its reflection and growls, “I am the king of beasts!” Along comes a lion and roars, “What was that I just heard?” “Oh, dear,” says the bear, “you say strange things when you’ve had too much to drink.”

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A wise dog once told me:
"Life is like a box of chocolates... it kills you."

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What do you call an insane соw removed from his pasture and locked up in a pen?
De-ranged!

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A hippopotamus walks into a pub and asks the bartender for a pint of Guinness. “That will be £7.50 please,” says the barman.
The hippo pays and starts to sip his вееr.
“You know, we don”t very many hippos in here,” says the bartender.
The hippo replies:
“At £7.50 a pint it”s no wonder!”

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What did the hungry соw shout out to the farmer as he was walking by?
"Haaaaay!!!!"

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Occasionally, a true friend gives his paw not his hand...

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