Animal Jokes

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An ad at the zoo: ‘Don't scare the ostriches! The floors are concrete!'

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Two snakes are slithering around. The first one looks at the second and asks "Hey, are we poisonous?"
The second one replies "No, why?"
The first one says "Whew! Cuz I just bit my lip!"

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I lost a valuable Indian Head penny in my yard the other day. Good thing I have my pet bloodhound Barney. I let him outside to try to find it, and good ol' Barney picked up the cent right away!

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Q. Why do Pandas have black eyes?
A. Because they can’t satisfy their man.

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Just bought some venison from the supermarket, its dead deer.

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I have a pet who is a continual source of personal annoyance and irritation. Truth be told, he really bothers the heck out of me.
I named my pet, "Peeve."

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Apparently the worlds laziest fish was discovered last week, it only swims 1 inch per day. The fish lives in the Black Sea, no surprise there!

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Apart from Humans, the only animal that enjoys having sеx is a Dolphin…….
I had to shаg a lot of animals to find that out.

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Michael and Timothy had just left the Pub and decided to take a shortcut through O'Leary's farm when they chanced upon O'Leary's prized stallion. Promptly, Timothy raised it's tail, took a quick swipe then applied it to his lips.
Michael, dumbfounded, asked:
"Is horse manure good for chapped lips?"
Timothy replied:
"I don't know, but it sure keeps me from lickin' em!"

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A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,”
“it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”
One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”

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One caterpillar to another, as they watch a butterfly:
"You'll never get me up in one of those things."

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An old man always had his dog chained up, and one day he decided to take the dog out hunting with him. Since the dog has been chained up for so long it ran for a chance at freedom. The man ran after the dog hoping to catch it. The dog ran over a cliff. The man said,
"Dog gone it."

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Two monkeys were discussing evolution:
"You mean to tell me that I really am my keeper's brother?"

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How do we know the earth isn't flat?
If it were flat, cats would have already pushed everything off of it.

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Did u know doves die after sеx. Well the one I f*cked did.

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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

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I think bees teach us an important lesson.
You may be small. You may be tiny. But when you’re chasing somebody with a sharp object… people still run away from you.

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There was a monkey sitting in a banana tree. He was very hungry. He knew that somewhere in the tree there was a magic banana, and that once he ate that banana, he wouldn't be hungry anymore.
He ate one banana. That wasn't it. He was still hungry. He ate another banana. That wasn't it either. He was still hungry.
Finally, after he ate his tenth banana, he wasn't hungry anymore. "I knew I'd find it," he said. "It's too bad that I didn't eat that one first. I wouldn't have to waste all those other bananas."

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