Animal Jokes

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I recently got accused of ?sсrеwing the pooch? -- which I think is my favorite idiom in the English language because I think it's a big leap from a minor mishap to веsтiаliтy.

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I have a dog, you know? And I couldn't even figure out what to name him, so I named him Bill Clinton. That way I could just blame him for stuff, you know? 'Who knocked over the garbage?'
'Bill Clinton.'
'Who chewed up my work?'
'Oh, Bill Clinton.'
'Who soiled this perfectly good dress?'
'Bill Clinton.'

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Just got a job handling financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar company. I’ve become a cashier at KFC.

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The best way to smuggle drugs into a country is to place them carefully in a dog's bottom... because at the airport, if the sniffer dog suspects anything, the officials will think they're just being frisky... unless of course your dog wears sunglasses and sweats a lot.

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An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.
"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 35 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" commented the giraffe.
"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

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What can you jump over that’s a hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

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A squirrel was sitting in an apple tree. All of a sudden a соw started climbing up the tree. Surprised to see a climbing соw the squirrel asked the newcomer, "What the heck are you doing here?"
The соw replied, "I thought I'd eat some oranges."
"But this is an apple tree."
"I know. I brought my own."

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If a flea and a fly pass each other, what time is it?
Fly past flea.

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How is a snail stronger than an elephant?
Because an elephant carries his trunk, but a snail carries his house!

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Can’t believe how much my TV lies. Put my pet turtles in the microwave earlier today and they still can’t do any Karate.

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You can tell the sеx of an ant by dropping it into a glass of water.
If it sinks: girl ant
If it floats: boy ant

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Why do dogs make such poor gamblers?
When they get a good hand at poker, they wag their tails.

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There are two cows out in a field in Britain. One соw turns to the other and asks, "Are you worried about this Mad Соw disease?" The other соw responds, "Nope." The first соw exclaims, "How can you say that? Cows all over England are getting it. I'm scared stiff!" The other соw just looks at him and says,
"Mad Соw disease, why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter."

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My mother in-law bought a talking parrot, but returned it to the pet store a week later. …
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“This parrot hasn’t spoke a single word.” She complained. …..
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“I haven’t had a fuскing chance to!” Replied the parrot.

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What do you call a blind deer?
A no-eyed deer (say it out loud)
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
A still no-eyed deer.

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I love how all these vegans still drink water. That’s a fishes house you disgusting savages.

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My girlfriend just recently got a tattoo of a dolphin on her inner thigh. It’s amazing what tattooists can do these day, when you put your face near it you can actually smell the ocean.

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Need a list of animals that got on chucks bad side, check the extinction list

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