Animal Jokes

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Apparently the female spider devours the male minutes after mating. It takes female humans years to do that.

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I wear two pairs of pants when I go golfing. People always ask me why I do. I say, "I wear two pants when's I golf just in case I get a hole-in-one.

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Two cows are standing in a field, one says to the other: Did you hear about the outbreak of mad соw disease? Are you worried?
The other соw replies: Not at all, good thing i am a helicopter

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A dog asks a cat “How come I’ve never seen you cats making love in public?”
The cat replies, “Do you want humans to steal our style like they did yours?”

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An animal has three legs. Dance, said the lion.
I'll rаре you tonight, said the whale.

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Poodle:
“My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
Collie:
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle:
“I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, “Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.”
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.
Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks.
Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says, “Say what breed is that anyway?”
The owner says, “Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.”

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What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a chicken?
A chicken lays eggs, and Yo' Mama lays everything else.

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Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.
One night, one said to a another, “I'm so hungry. I'm going to go get something.”
“No don't! We have to wait for the others!”
“I don't care.” And off he went.
About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.
The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”
“You really want to see?” asked the вlооdy one. “Follow me.”
So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”
“Yes,” came the reply.
To that the first says, “Well, I didn't.”

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“Nice greyhound; fast as well. Have you considered racing him?” asked this bloke in the park.
“No, not really,” I replied. “I’m far too unfit and out of condition.”

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Teacher:
"Who is a Coward?"..
Jeff:Any соw that is given an Award

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Whats the hardest part when making skimmed milk?
Throwing the соw across the lake

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Here’s a better version of a previous joke:
I would tell you a milk joke, but its whey too cheesy!

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What instrument do a pair of sheep play, The two-baaaa

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What do you call a sheep on steroids? A woolly Mammoth.

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What do sheep wear to the beach?
A baa-kini

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SHeep want to WOooll the world

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You guys have very baaaaaaa-d puns

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