Animal Jokes

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Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear.
He sleeps with a real bear.

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A guy walks into a Raptors bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a "Toronto Raptors" jersey and helmet, and is festooned with "Raptors" pom-poms.
The bartender says:
"Hey! No pets are allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The guy begs him:
"Look, I'm desperate.
We're both big fans, the TV is broken, and this is the only place around where we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins and Vince Carter does a great slum dunk.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar, and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says:
"Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen!
What does the dog do if Raptors win?"
The owner replies:
"I don't know, I've only had him for a half year."

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Chuck Norris scares cows so bad, milk comes out their nose.

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Unicorns are extinct but Chuck Norris used all their horns as toothpicks.

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What do you call the everyday routines of rabbits?
Rabbits habits.

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Why do rabbits go to the beauty parlor?
For hare care.

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Where do Danish cows come from?
Cowpenhagenf.

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How can you tell a rabbit from a skunk?
A skunk uses a cheaper deodorant.

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What famous painting do cows love to look at?
The Moona Lisa.

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You momma so sтuрid I see her walking the pigs down the street I'd asked "What she doing?" And she said "Going piggy back riding"!

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What do you call it when one rabbit challenges another rabbit to hop across a forty-yard canyon?
A hare dare.

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That bull you sold me is a lazy good-for-nothing.
I told you he was a вuм steer.

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How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.

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Why is a reindeer like a gossip?
Because they are both tail bearers.

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The reason we are human is because Chuck roundhouse kicked a monkey into a higher species.

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There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner.
The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly.
The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, “This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!”
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, “What’s time to a pig?”

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What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers.

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If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped.
What's a tiger?
A stri-ped.

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