Animal Jokes

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One day a blonde, brunette, and redhead were stuck on an island 100 miles away from civilization.
The only way to get home was to swim.
The brunette swam 50 miles before drowning.
The redhead swam 64 miles before getting attacked by a shark.
The blonde went 99 miles but got tried a swam back to the island.

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A plowhorse, a honeybee and an old geezer are debating about which of them is the greatest.
The horse says,
"I can plow all day long to provide food for dozens of people!"
" The bee says,
"I pollinate all the plants every year and make honey besides!"
The old geezer says...
(We're waiting...)

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For breakfast Chuck Norris enjoys toast and jellyfish.

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Why did the frog walk across the road?
He didn't... he jumped.

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.
When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:
"I am placed in the door and told when to jump.
My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.
But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

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A Bosnian catches a goldfish.
The goldfish says:
"Let me go and I will grant you one wish."
The Bosnian says:
"No way, I'll take you to the раwn shop – gold is gold."

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When does a female deer need money?
When she doesnt have a buck.

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What do you call a dinosaur drinking Tequila?
Tyrannosaurus Mex.

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Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

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Q: What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
A: An elephant in a plastic bag.

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Q: What's gray and comes in pints?
A: An elephant.

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What is a Zebra?
A Z-вrа is 25 sizes вiggеr than an A-вrа.

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How to catch a polar bear:
Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond.
Cut a large hole in the ice.
Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file.
Hide behind a nearby rock.
When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

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Sharks watch Chuck Norris week.

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Your house is so dirтy I saw rats on dirt bikes.

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Your moms house is so poor i went to knock on her door and a roach tripped me and a rat took my walet.

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On what should you mount a statue of your cat?
A caterpillar!

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A man is walking through a park when he steps in a pile of dog mess.
He pauses to wipe his shoe on the grass and sees another man step into the same pile.
‘I just did that,’ says the man, so the other man rubs his nose in it.

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