Animal Jokes

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Why did the gag-writer turn green?
Cause the gag-writer was sick of writing frog jokes!

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Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

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I had to go round next door and look after my neighbour’s cat while he was away.
Now there’s a great pile of сrар and a puddle of wee on his kitchen floor.
Hopefully, he’ll think the cat did it.

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My cat can talk.
I asked her what two minus two was and she said nothing.

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‘Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.’
Sue Murphy

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What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding sсuм-sucker and the other is a fish.

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Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son:why?
Dad: To get to the other side but your mother only made it about halfway

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What happens when you put the batteries in BACKWARDS in the Energizer Bunny?
He keeps coming and coming and coming...

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Q:
How do you get ten fат cows in your basement? A: Hold a tupperware party!

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Yesterday I saw a man trying to chat up a cheetah.
‘Hello,’ I thought.
‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’

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Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.
6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!

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I've been trying to find the right time to tell my pet hes adopted...

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This sтuрid bug is appearing on a blasted line which would вlоw up the toilet.
Then they go like "Tom tom tom tom" then back to the toilet and stupidly disgusted by a recently married woman and erecting a man in a toilet.

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Why do cops arrest black people?
Because monkeys belong in cages.

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What's green with red spots?
A frog with the chicken pox!

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The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.
A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer.
"Get to work," the store-keeper urged.
"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared.
When this had been provided:
"Now give me a quart of whiskey."
Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly:
"Now show me the cellar."
An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.
His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted:
"Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

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What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A zebra with a drum kit.

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Q:What happened when Smokey the Bear started the forest fire?
He got arrested just like you would've.

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