Animal Jokes

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A bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing two hikes. They both start running for their lives, but then one of them stops to put on his running shoes.
His friends says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!"
His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear; I only have to outrun you!"

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A black соw was standing in the middle of the road.
A man was hauling аss around a corner with no headlights on. He slams on the brakes at just the right time to miss the соw. How did the guy see the соw? It was daytime.

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Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?
A: Who else would follow a chicken?

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Q: Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
A: It wanted to lay it on the line.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum how. (How many dead chickens have you seen along the road?)

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Q: What did the snail say when it caught a ride on the back of the turtle as it was crossing the road?
A: "Yahoo!"

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Q: If your donkey bites my rooster's feet off, what do we have?
A: Two feet of my соск in your аss.

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Why did the rooster cross the basketball court?
It heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

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Q: If a rooster's on top of a barn door and lays an egg, does the egg fall on the north or the south side?
A: Roosters don't lay eggs.

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Why did the rooster cross the road?
Because the chicken was on vacation!

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A policeman was directing traffic at a busy intersection when he observed a blind man and his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross.
To his horror, he watched as the seeing-eye dog bolted across the street, dragging the blind man behind him.
On the other side of the road, the man pulled out a cookie and offered it to his dog.
The officer ran to the blind man and said, "Don't you realize your dog could have killed you, and now you're going to reward him?"
The blind man said to the policeman, "Why, no sir, I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his аss."

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At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-аss jоск raises his hand. "What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exhausted?"
"Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with."

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Q: Why do sea lions go to Tupperware parties?
A: To find a tight seal!

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Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
A: Because then they'd be bagels.

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What did the one shepherd say to the other shepherd?
Let's get the flock out of here!

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How do you кill a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun. How do you кill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

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Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
''Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your вuтт over here. I've got something to show you!''
''Not now! I'm eating.''
''Oh come on!'' said the rabbit. ''It's really important.''
''No way.''
''Please. It's urgent.''
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
''Well, rabbit,'' he panted. ''What did you want to tell me?''
''Hey, Teddy,'' the rabbit began, ''look how many berries are on the other side of the river.''

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How did the skunk call home?
On his smell-ular phone!

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