For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules of dealing with women. At last this points guide will help you to understand just how it works.
AIM:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s just the way the game’s played.
Here’s a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed ………………………….+1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…..-1
You leave the toilet seat up………………..-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty… 0
When the toilet paper has run out, you resort to Kleenex…-1
You go out to buy her extra-light раnтiе liners with wings…+5
in the snow……………………………….+8
but return with вееr……………………….-5
and no liners…………………………….-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night………0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing… 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something…+5
You smash it with a cricket bat……………….+10
It’s her cat……………………………..-40
AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire evening……….. 0
You stay by her side for a bit, then go and chat with a mate from the pub…-2
Called Tiffany………………….-4
Who is a lap dancer…………….-10
With вrеаsт implants……………-18
HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday…………………………. 0
You buy a card and flowers………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner………………………… 0
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar….+1
Ok, it is a sports bar…………………………..-2
And it’s all-you-can-eat night…………………….-3
It’s a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colours of your favourite team…-10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a mate………………………………… 0
The mate is happily married……………………..+1
The mate is single……………………………..-7
He drives a Ferrari……………………………-10
With a personalised license plate (GR8 NBED)……..-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a see a film……………………..+2
You take her to a see a film she likes…………….+4
You take her to a see a film you hate……………..+6
You take her to a see a film you like……………..-2
It’s called Death Cop III………………………..-3
Featuring Cyborgs that eat humans…………………-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans…-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable рот belly……………….-15
You develop a noticeable рот belly & exercise to get rid of it…+10
You develop a noticeable рот belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy shirts…-30
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.”……-800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Does this dress make me look fат?”
You hesitate in responding………………….-10
You reply, “Where?”………………………..-35
You reply, “No, I think it’s your аrsе”………-100
Any other response…………………………-20
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression………….0
You listen, for over 30 minutes……………………..+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience…. +50
You’re mind wanders to football and you suddenly hear her saying
“well, what do you think I should do?”………-100
You have fallen asleep………………………..-200
IT’S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk…………………………………..-100
You don’t talk……………………………..-150
You spend time with her……………………..-200
You don’t spend time with her………………..-500
You are seen to be enjoying yourself…..GAME OVER - YOU LOSE
And then there was this guy from New York City visiting down in Alabama. He stopped into a local bar and ordered white wine. The bartender told him, “You got two choices in this bar: Вееr or… вееr.”
….
“Okay,” the visitor replied, “I’ll have a вееr.”
…..
The bartender drew the вееr and set it in front of the visitor. “You’re not from around here, huh?” ….
…..
“No,” answered the visitor, “I’m from New York City.” ….
….
The bar went quiet. The bartender asked, “So what brings you to our parts?” ….
…..
“Well,” explained the stranger, “I’m a taxidermist and I was thinking about expanding my business.” ….
….
“What’s a taxidermist?” asked the bartender. …
…
“Basically,” said the visitor, “I mount and stuff wild animals.” ….
….
The bartender grinned at the rest of the patrons and roared, “Drink up, boys! He’s one of us!”
In a saloon in the old West, a large crowd of cowboys was drinking and carousing with the dance hall girls. In walked a greenhorn Easterner, a dry goods supplier from New York. He sat down at the bar and ordered a вееr. Just then a boy ran in from outside through the swinging doors, completely out of breath. The crowd stopped what they were doing and stared at him.
“Big John’s in town,” the boy said, gasping.
In less than a minute, the entire crowd, except for the greenhorn, tumbling over one another, rushed out, including the bartender and everyone else who worked at the saloon, leaving the place completely empty and in disarray. The greenhorn realized that he should probably go, too. So he quickly downed the remainder of his вееr, grabbed ahold of his sample case and started for the door.
Unfortunately, before he could reach it, another cowboy walked in, blocking his way. The man was huge, almost seven feet tall and muscular, with a face that was menacing, rugged and scarred. Hanging from his belt were two large six-shooters that had obviously seen plenty of action. The Easterner, frozen in fear, stood glued to the spot, unable to speak.
The huge man, towering over him, then glared at the greenhorn and said in a, deep, gravelly voice, “You drink with me.”
The greenhorn saw this as an order, not an invitation. So he walked over with the man, his heart pounding, fearing for his life, then sat down at the bar next to the cowboy, who then proceeded to pour each of them a whiskey. The massive cowpoke quickly downed his drink, wiped his face with his sleeve then stood up and started walking towards the door.
“Can’t stay,” he said, “ Big John’s in town.”
I’m Glad I’m A Man - by: A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t вiтсh to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go рsyсhо and threaten to кill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two ваlls and to stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jеrк.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all вiтсhy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much вiggеr raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
I Am Glad I Am A Woman-by:A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, вееr nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Неll before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the dамnеd toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hоотеrs, I won’t pinch your butt
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my вееr gut
I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see - I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shаg carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know - I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two воовs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then sсrеw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old реnis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a вееr. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his вееr and says, ”You know, I’m not gаy but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?”
The big guy nods slowly. He’s obviously fielded this question many times. ”One day,” he begins, ”I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.”
”No shiт?” says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
”Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.”’
”Keep going!”
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. РООF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, nакеd woman.
She said, ”You now have three wishes.”
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ”I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.” She nodded, snapped her fingers, and РООF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there nакеd!
She then asked, ”What will be your second wish?”
”What next?” begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ”I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.” She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lоvемакing, she whispered into my ear, ”You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?”
I looked at her and replied, ”How ’bout a little head?”