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*Titanic was sinking.
Passenger: How far are we from land?
Captain: Two miles.
Passenger: Which direction?
Captain: Down.
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The number 13?
Not on my watch
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What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.
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My grandfather was there when the titanic sank…he shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they Finally kicked him out of the movie theater…haha
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My friend was a victim of a school shooting once but he couldnt tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his ar
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Never buy a epileptic kid light up sketchers
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A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.
He says to the first one "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny"
He says to the second one "You are addicted to food, you named you daughter Candy"
Then the third one whispers to her son “Come on Diск, lets go.”
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Me and my friend went to the park, after a while we grabbed our little princess and said “it’s time to go sweetie” but before we could go someone said “stop them they have my daughter!”
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What do need in order to crash a train?
A bad track record
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Three guy are in the woods, a a really smart guy, an average, and a really dumb guy, they bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting a little while later he comes back with a dear, the average guy asks how do did you do that? The really smart guy says says I see dear tracks I fallow dear tracks, I see dear I shoot dear. The average guy say I think I understand and leaves, an little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb goes gasp how did you do that!?. And the average looks at him funny and says well I see raccoon tracks I fallow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon I shoot raccoon. The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says Oooohh, ok I thiNo I can do that… and leaves. Hours pass and and the guy finally returns, hurt, вlооdy, and horribly mingled. They run to help him. Finally one of the guys ask him what happened this is what he said: I see train tracks, I fallow train tracks. I see train I shoot train. But train keep coming.
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You wanna know why I love trains?
They end my suffering.
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Allan: What are you doing Saturday night?
Museum girl: Committing suicide.
Allan: What about Friday night?
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A man was mowing his lawn when blue and reg stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
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Crucifixion - only one guy who nailed it… at least Jesus didn’t get sсrеwеd over, but I bet he was pretty cross about being forced to hang around.
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What’s both red, white and sometimes purple
My arms…
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Why did sally fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms
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Knock knock
Who’s there?
Not sally
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What first went through sally’s head when the nazis came?
A bullet
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Where did sally go when the bomb exploded?
Everywhere
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What did sally get for christmas?
A bike
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If a person shoot’s a person about to commit suicide, is it making it less painful or is it мurdеr?
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Why did the depressed person cross the road.
To get ran over.
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