• Home
  • Joke Categories
  • Popular
  • Jokes From our facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/Jokes-441655979354080)
  • Funny pictures
  • Most popular
  • Newest jokes
  • Aviation Jokes
  • Christmas Jokes
  • Corona virus jokes (Covid - 19), Coronavirus
  • Dad Jokes
  • Genie jokes
  • Gynaecology Jokes, Gynaecologist Jokes
  • Jewish Jokes
  • Jokes about US Elections 2020 Trump vs Biden
  • Jokes From our facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/Jokes-441655979354080)
  • Knock-knock jokes
  • Lawyer Jokes
  • Masturbation jokes
  • Nurse jokes
  • Old People Jokes
  • Psychology, Psychotherapy, and psychiatry jokes, Shrinks Jokes
  • Rude Jokes
  • Scots jokes, Scotsman Jokes, Scottish jokes, Scotland Jokes
  • Sex Jokes
  • Vulgar jokes
  • Weed Jokes
  • Blonde Jokes
  • Chuck Norris
  • Dark Humor
  • Dirty jokes
  • Doctor's jokes, Health Jokes, Medical joke
  • Donald Trump Jokes
  • Drunk Jokes, Drinking Jokes, Alcohol Jokes, Alcoholic Jokes, Beer Jokes
  • Gross jokes, Disgusting jokes
  • Kids jokes, Toddler Jokes, Children jokes
  • Marriage Jokes, Family Jokes
  • Putin jokes, Vladimir Putin Jokes
  • Valentine's Day Jokes
Вицове за Църквата English Kirchenwitze, Kirchen-Witze, K... Chistes de la Iglesia Анекдоты про Церковь Blagues sur l'Église Barzellette sulla chiesa Ανέκδοτα για την Εκκλησία Виц за Црквата Kilise fıkraları Анекдоти про Церкву Piadas de Igreja Dowcipy o Kościele Skämt om kyrkan Kerken moppen Vittigheder om kirken Vitser om kirken Kirkkovitsit Templom viccek Glume despre Biserica Vtipy o kostelu, Kostelní vtip... Anekdotai apie Bažnyčią Joki par Baznīcu Vicevi o Crkvi
My Jokes Edit Profile Logout
  1. Newest jokes
  2. Church jokes

Church jokes

Add a joke Newest jokes Most popular
A poor minister was having trouble managing his church.
The income was pitiful, the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, the air conditioning didn't work, and the church didn't have the funds for any repairs.
The minister got a brilliant idea.
He bought a book about hypnosis, and read it from cover to cover.
At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance.
He said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the plate."
They did, and he had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again.
Taking his watch out, he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate."
They did, and he got the air conditioning fixed and the parking lot redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking, "I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money."
He started swinging his watch again, and he thought, "I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a cottage on the beach. I deserve a lot more."
He got so excited about what he was fixing to receive, that his hands started to sweat and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled:
"S**t!"
It took him two weeks to air out the church.
42
0
4
Попот држи проповед пред насобраните верници: В края на неделната литургия свещеникът пита: Vers la fin de la messe du dimanche
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies.
About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.
This time he received a response of about 80 percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:
"It's easy, I just outlived the вiтсhеs."
41
0
4
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the соск was missing. He knew about соск fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a соск? 
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a соск?' 
All the women stood up. 
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a соск that doesn' t belong to them?' 
Half the women stood up. 
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY соск?' 
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
41
0
4

Komm der Mann mit zwei blauen Augen nach Hause. Fragt die Frau: Мъж се прибира вкъщи от черква с насинени очи. Чого це в тебе синець під оком? — Розумієш Joãozinho chega na aula com o olho roxo e a professora pergunta: — Joãozinho Johny came crying. Dad: "What happened?" Johny: "Today at class when we got up from our seats for prayer Ο Γιαννάκης επιστρέφει από το σχολείο με το αριστερό μάτι μαυρισμένο. Little Johnny comes home from sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says Eina Petriukas su fingalais abiejose akyse ir sutinka draugą. Tas jo klausia: - Kas tau nutiko? - Ai
A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.
The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her сrаск, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."
"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.
"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the сrаск, so I pushed it back in."
40
0
4
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day. As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any раnтiеs.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says "Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some раnтiеs as it is not good to walk around without any раnтiеs on."
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy раnтiеs for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her раnтiеs, and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church.
As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest then gives the lady $1 and says, "Take this money and for God's Sakes, buy yourself a razor!"
40
0
4
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"
40
0
4
John O'Reilly hoisted his вееr and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
40
0
4
The church is struck by lightning.
The insurance company refuses to pay out for damages incurred, as there is a specific disclaimer clause for "An act of God", which, amongst others, lightning is classified as.
The priest goes to every household and asks for a donation to rebuild the church.
One Christian farmer protested, "I'm sorry, Pastor, but I can't give money to Somebody who set His own house alight!"
40
0
4
En berusad man kommer in i en katolsk kyrka. Han går in i biktstolen och sätter sig utan att säga nåt. För att få mannen att tala hostar prästen. När detta inte lyckas knackar han i väggen några gånger. Mannen tar då till orda: - Det hjälper inte... Un homme ivre chancelait en bas de la rue principale de la ville. De façon inimaginable Hasse hade varit ut och firat med sina kompisar Ein Betrunkener betritt den Beichtstuhl. Als der Pfarrer den Vorhang beiseite schiebt und durch das Gitter schaut Kommt ein Bayer besoffen in die Kirche eines besonders konservativen Priesters. Ganz im Suff prostet der Bayer den Apostelstatuen zu: „Na Jungs A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance Un tizio piuttosto alticcio entra in una chiesa e si fionda dentro un confessionale e non proferisce parola. Il prete tossicchia per attirare la sua attenzione ma lui continua a rimanere in... Eνας μεθυσμένος μπαίνει σε μία καθολική εκκλησία. Προχωρώντας στο διάδρομο τελικά μπαίνει στο εξομολογητήριο. Ο ιερέας της εκκλησίας βλέπει όλο το σκηνικό και θέλοντας να βοηθήσει τον μεθυσμένο Jos En half dronken man komt toegestroomd in de kerk en gaat in een biechtkamer. Enkele minuten later komt de pastoor bij hem zitten en wacht... maar hij krijgt geen antwoord. De pastoor klopt even... Un ivrogne entre dans une église et se précipite dans le confessionnal. Voyant la scène et concluant avec légitimité que le visiteur a du commettre un gros péché Beül a gyóntatófülkébe egy részeg pasi. Miután már hosszabb ideje nem szól semmit Neki pijanac jedva dotetura do crkve. I... Uđe u ispovijedaonicu. Nakon nekoliko trenutaka svećenik se zakašlje da mu skrene pozornost. Pijanac ne reagira... Svećenik A drunk staggers in a Catholic church late one night and collapses in the confessional. Next morning he’s awoken by the sound of the priest entering the cubicle next to him. The priest addresses... Vine unu' mort de beat Пиян влиза в църква и се втурва в изповедалнята. Виждайки сцената падрето решава Ένας μπεκρής μπαίνει στο εξομολογητήριο Een dronken man loopt de kerk in
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing.
The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunк man's attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunк replies, ''No use knockin,' pal. There's no paper."
39
0
4
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. Schwester Agnes tritt in das Kloster des Schweigens ein. Die Oberin Mutter Theresa erklärt ihr: En man beslutade att bli munk och sökte upp ett kloster där huvudregeln var tystnad. Han fick bara säga två ord under varje decennium. Efter tio år kallade abboten honom till sig och sa: - Du kan... Every ten years Αποφασίζει ένας τύπος να μονάσει και μετά απο πολύ ψάξιμο βρίσκει και αυτός μια μονή να αποσυρθεί. Εγκαταλείπει τον κόσμο και τελικά μια μέρα μπαίνει μέσα στην μονή. Βρίσκει πολλούς ακόμα μοναχούς... Zuster Mary gaat binnen in het Klooster van de Stilte. De priester zei: “Zuster
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirтy!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well," the head monk replied, "I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"
39
0
4
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
"Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday."
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
39
0
4
At a Wednesday evening church meeting a very wealthy man rose to give his testimony.
"I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday:
I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night.
The speaker was a missionary who told about his work.
I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all.
So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God.
I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."
As he finished it was clear that everyone had been moved by this man's story.
But, as he took his seat, a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said: "Wonderful story! I dare you to do it again!"
38
0
4

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fuскеd a реnguin! Grumpy fuскеd a реnguin!"
37
0
4
A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving andsees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her - but he can't.
Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help.
So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, ''Don't worry. I got him with the door!''
37
0
4
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice тiтs"
37
0
4
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunк."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
37
0
4
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
37
0
4
A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate.
So decides to try a new tack and hypnotize them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus hypnotized, they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.
"S**t!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.
36
0
4
  • Previous
  • Next

Privacy and Policy Contact Us