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Dad Jokes

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Did you know Danny Welbeck’s dad was a bomb disposal expert.
His name was Stan Welbeck.
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I was practicing telling my dad that I’m gаy in front of our parrot.
I changed my mind about telling him after he cut the parrot’s head off.
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This is a story about the girl that didn't know what cursing was. It was Thanksgiving evening and the young girl was sleeping in her bedroom and she heard her parents having sеx in the next bedroom over. She hears the dad say, "oh honey I love your luscious тiтs" and she hears the mom say, "oh baby I love your slim diск". So the next morning, the daughter walks up to the dad and says, "Hey dad, what are luscious тiтs?" the dad panics and says, "It's a fine coat". She then walks up to the mom and says, "Hey mom, what's a slim diск?". The mom panics and says, "It's a pair of boots". Later on that day, everybody's getting ready for the Holiday. The girl walks past the bathroom and sees her dad shaving. He cuts himself on the cheek and shouts, "Shiт!". The daughter then asks,"What does shiт mean" and the dad replies, "I'm shaving right now sweety". The girl walks into the kitchen and sees her mom trying to cook the turkey. The mom accidentally drops the turkey and shouts, "Fuск". The daughter then asks, "hey mom, what does fuск mean" and the mom replies, "I'm cooking the turkey sweety". About an hour later friends and family arrive at the door. The girl answers the door and says, "Hello everyone hang up your luscious тiтs and drop your slim diскs, my dad is upstairs shiттing and my mom's f*cking the turkey".
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A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”
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— Пап - Тате
My son said, “Dad, can I start going ballroom dancing?”
I said, “No, it’s too dangerous.”
He said, “Why is it?”
I said, “Because I’ll break your legs, you fuскing little рuff.”
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"My son, this is your senior year at school so your mom and I decided that you’re going to be a doctor."
"But what are you saying dad? You know very well that I’m not in a position even to... кill a mosquito."
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How do you know when your sister is on her period?
Your dad's diск tastes like blood.
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Teacher: You boy, what’s your name?
Boy: Mickey Jones.
Teacher: We’ll call you Jones here.
We don’t use first names.
Boy: My dad won’t like that – he takes offence if people take the Mickey out of my name.
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A boy and his dad are talking..
“Hey Dad.”
“Yes son?”
“Did you ever get shot in the army?”
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad’s eyes, and he quietly replies;
“No, but I was shot in the leggy.”
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Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam were walking together one day. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes total." The Canadian said, “I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. I'm a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will someday be a farmer." So with a blink of the genies eye *РООF, the land was forever fertile. Osama bin Laden says, “I want a wall completely surrounding Afghanistan so that no Infidels, Jews, or Americans can get in." Again with a blink of the genies eye *РООF, there was a wall around Afghanistan. Uncle Sam asks, “I’m curious about this wall, please tell me more."
"Well" says the genie, “the wall is about 15,000 feet high and 500 feet thick, it is practically impenetrable." So Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water."
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One day, a teenage boy was absolutely over the moon that he had just passed his driving test. Then, just as his father was expecting, the boy approached his dad asking when they’d be able to have a discussion about him using the family car.
His father said he’d make a deal with his son:
“You need to bring your grades up from a C to a B, study the Bible, and get a haircut. Then we’ll talk about the car.’
The boy thought about it for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they came to an agreement.
After about six weeks, his father said:
“Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying the Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t cut your hair yet.”
The boy said:
“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Моsеs had long hair - and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair!”
The dad nodded wisely, then leaned over and whispered to his son:
“Did you also notice they walked everywhere?”
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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added:
"Send Michelle money every month."
A few days later my brother wrote:
"Make payments on car for Jason."
Then my boyfriend joined in with:
"Buy Tom a Jeep."
Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list:
"Wean kids."
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A little girl says, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister.”
Trying to be funny, the daddy says, “Honey, you do have a sister.”
“I do?” questions the confused youngster.
“Sure,” responds the dad. “You just don’t see her because when you are coming in the front door, she is always leaving through the back door.”
The little girl gave this a few moments thought and remarked,
“You mean like my other Daddy does?”
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Grade school children were asked the question, "Why did your mom marry your dad?"
These are some responses:
1. She got too old to do anything else with him.
2. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
3. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world, and Mom eats a lot!
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Jamito el padre y las matemáticas El examen de Jaimito y la perdida de memoria - Сине Un díaantes Tatal ii Zice fiului: - Mai bine ai trece examenul azi Dad: you better pass your exam or else forget me as your father! Son: ..... Son: sure Dad- Son Little Kenny is about to have a big test and his father says: “You better study real good boy Λέει η μάνα του Τοτού στον Τοτό: - Τοτέ εάν κοπείς στα μαθήματα της εξεταστικής ξέχνα ότι είσαι παιδί μου. Μετά από μερικές ώρες τον ξαναρωτάει : - Πώς τα πήγες; Τοτός : – Γνωριζόμαστε κυρία μου;
Father: You better pass that exam or else forget that I'm your father.
Son: Ok, dad.
Next day
Father: How was your exam?
Son: Who are you?
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I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidentally knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.
She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;
“Get a fuскing grip, you sтuрid вiтсh.”
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A boy asked his dad, "What's the difference between a woman and a slаvе?" His father replies,
"I don't know, what?" His son says,
"No, I was asking a question."
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My dad always said,
"Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did.
Account balance: $9.11
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