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Dad Jokes

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What did the dad say when his son said, ''Dad I'm tired of walking in circles?
''Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the ground."
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Boy texted his dad saying
Boy:I got expelled
Dad: WHAT WHY
Boy: cos we had this lesson about bulling and the teacher said sticks and stones may break my воnе but words will never hurt me
Dad: and
Boy: so I threw a book at her face and it broke her nose
Dad : lol that's my boy
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My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I’ll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
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Yo momma’s so ugly, when your dad wants to have sеx in the car, he tells her to get out.
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There once was two people Lisa and Brian
They got married and had a child.
The only problem was that the child was only a head, he had no arms, legs or torso.
So all his life he was picked on and teased and he always wished he had a body.
So when he turned 21 his dad took him to a bar and let him have his first вееr ever.
When he drank a whole bottle an arm popped out.
When he drank more bottles more body parts popped out.
After drinking many beers he finally had a whole body.
As they left the bar, he was very drunк and was hit by a bus and he died.
The moral of the story "Quit while you're a head."
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My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due his skill in disappearing.
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One morning I called my girlfriend and his father picked "Hello who are you?"
I heard that heavy voice and quickly replied a while "hey Eric where are you the choir is about to begin?"
"What choir?" he asked.
"Come on Eric stop kidding around and get your аss over here" the father then replied
"Sorry am not Eric and I don't know what you are talking about I am dr Stephen" he said.
I then said "oh sorry I must have misdialled"
I then hang up and decided I am never gonna call that girl again...
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My dad is retired now, and he moved to Florida. And its really great to be able to finally go down and visit him now that hes finally able to do those things in life that hes always wanted to do, which apparently is start drinking at noon and then head on out to buy me ugly shirts.
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There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.
The judge says,
"Do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no!
He beats me!".
The judge says,"you want to live with your mom?"
"No! she beats me too!".
So the judge says,
"Who do you want to live with then?"
The kid says,
"The Cleveland Browns... They can't beat anybody!"
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Dinosaurs are like my dad. I never got the see either of them and they are now extinct
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Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son:why?
Dad: To get to the other side but your mother only made it about halfway
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- Dad, would you like to save some money?
- I certainly would, son. Any suggestions?
- Sure. Why not buy me a bike, then I won't wear my shoes out so fast.
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A family walks into a talent agency.
It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog.
The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act.
You should represent us."
The agent says,
"Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says,
"Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says,
"OK. OK. I'll take a look."
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After an MCAT exam, a father asks his son, "How did it go son?"
Young man, looking rather reproachful, replied, "It went well dad. In fact, it went so well that I will retake it again next year."
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“I want to be a millionaire. Just like my dad!”
“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
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Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you won’t get bored there
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A boy asks his dad, “What’s the difference between potential and realistic?” The dad tells him to go ask the rest of his family if they’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then he’d tell him the answer. The boy goes up to his mom and asks her. She responds, “A million dollars is a lot of money sweetheart. I could send you, your sister, and your brother to great colleges, so sure, I would!” He then goes and asks his sister to which she replies, “Brad Pitt? Неll ya, he’s the hottest guy ever!” Next, the boy asks his brother who replies, “A million dollars? Неll yes I would. I’d be rich!” When the boy excitedly returns to his dad with the family’s responses, the dad says, “Well son, potentially, we have three million dollars. Realistically, we have two sluтs and a quееr.”
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Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.
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