Dad Jokes

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“Daddy whats a Transvestite”
“Ask mommy, he knows.”

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The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work…
He’s a suicide bomber.

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After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school. The kid replies, "I had sеx with my teacher." She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face. He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sеx with my teacher." The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home. His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my вuтт still hurts."

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One night a girl said to her family "Goodnight Mommy, Goodnight Daddy, Goodnight Grandma, Goodbye Grandpa. the next morning her grandpa died. That night she said "Goodnight mommy, Goodnight daddy, Goodbye Grandma. the next morning the grandma died. The dad started to fear for his life because he was next. That night the girl said "Goodnight mommy, Goodbye daddy. the next morning the dad woke up and he was perfectly fine but when he went into the kitchen he saw his wife crying. when he asked her whats wrong she said “The Mail Man died”.

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Yo' Mama is so fат, when she heard it was chilly out, she ran outside with a spoon.

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Daughter: Dad
Dad: Yes honey
Daughter: Im Lesbian
Dad: Ok
Daughter 2: Dad
Dad: Yes?
Daughter 2: Im lеsвiаn too
Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here
Son: I do…

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A boy asks his father:
"Dad, are bugs good to eat?"
"That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks,
"Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"
"Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

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One day Little Johnny’s class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?” Little Mary says, “The teacher is very intelligent.” The teacher asks them, “Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?” Little Suzie says, “They are very fashionable.” The teacher says, “Johnny, why don’t you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence.” Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy ‘Darling how does my dictate’ "

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Son:
"Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad:
"Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."

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A boy walks in on his mother riding his father. “What are you doing?”, the boys asks his mother. “I’m jumping on daddy to make him thin”,said the mother. Don’t bother", said the boy," when you go shopping, the lady next door comes and blows him up again"

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said:
"Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother,:
"Don't eat it. Its an аsshоlе!

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Teacher: Ok class I’m going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss my Dad died In 9/11
Teacher: OH NO IM SO SORRY!
Alex: Don’t worry miss It was only Dad and besides he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.

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One day I came home from school and said to my dad ‘I got expelled from school today’ he said ’ how’ I said I threw my book at the teacher’ he asked why’ I told him we were doing an anti-bullying program and my teacher said words can’t hurt me so I threw my dictionary at her. ’

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My dad is like Hurricane Katrina. I haven’t seen either sense 2005

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A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fаrт. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the роот. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice,
"Gingеr!"
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fаrт rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled,
"Dаммiт, Gingеr!" Once again the woman smiled and thought,
"Yes!"
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fаrт that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,
"Dаммiт, Gingеr, get away from her before she shiтs on you!"

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Wife:
"In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband:
"I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."

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A little boy caught his mom and dad having sеx. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

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Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?
Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

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