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Dad Jokes

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Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?
Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.
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Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn’t real
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk
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So a kid walks in the house and says:
" mommy, mommy, I found daddy"
. And the mother says:
" stop digging around in the garden, and let you Father rest in peace.
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What type of candy is always late?
A chocolate.
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What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
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Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
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On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a ваsтаrd and hears his dad call his mom a вiтсh. He asks, "Mommy, what does ваsтаrd mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does вiтсh mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shaving; the dad accidentally cuts himself and says, "Sh*t." The son asks, "What does that mean?" The dad says, "It means shaving cream." Then he sees his mom in the kitchen carving the turkey; she accidentally cuts herself and says, "F*ck." The son asks her what that word means and she says, "It means carving." That evening, the family's guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. The son opens the door to welcome them and says, "Welcome вiтсhеs and ваsтаrds! My dad is in the bathroom rubbing sh*t on his face and my mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey."
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Christmas time.
Vаliuм and wine.
Children indulging in serious сriме.
With dad on the wееd and mum high on сrаск.
Christmas is magic when your family is black!
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Little Johnny’s mom is taking a shower little Johnny walks in and asks, what is that in between your legs mommy says that is my keyhole.
The next day little Johnny sees his dad taking a shower and little Johnny asks what is that in between your legs daddy says that is my key
The next day little Johnny says to his dad looks like the neighbor has the key to mommy’s keyhole too.
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Daughter:
"Dad, a kid at school called me a lеsвiаn."
Dad:
"Smack her in the mouth and kick her in the vаginа."
Daughter:
"But dad she is cute."
Dad: ...
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Why do I only date orphans?
Because they never have daddy issues
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"What is a bunny without a carrot?"
-
"Hungry!"
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How to say hi in mandarin
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Dead Batteries! Free of Charge!
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Guys, I need help here. I just had an argument with my wife & she told me I was right.
"What do I do next?"
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I walked into a pub with my wife. The Landlord said "Would you like a вееr for your wife?"
I said: "That sounds like a fair swap."
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I told the nurse I was bitten by a wolf.
"Where?" she asked.
"No. Regular"
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Yo' daddy's so ugly, when he looked out the window he was arrested for mooning!
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