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Dad Jokes

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My dad finally left me a voicemail where he didn't introduce himself. I think we're getting closer.
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Съвременно семейство: Son: Iphone! * holding it* Daughter: Ipod! *holding it* Mom: Ipad! *holding it* Dad: IPAID!
son: I got an ipad
daughter: I got an ipod
mom: I got an iphone
dad:.....Ipaid
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If you dad walks you to school because you're both in the same class. You might be a redneck
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Son:
“I got expelled.” …..
…..
Dad:
“How?” …..
……
Son:
“I wrote 2 + 2 = 41 on the whiteboard.” …..
…..
Dad:
“That’s pretty dumb but-” …
…
Son:
“Then my teacher told me to go back up to the board…”
…
Dad:
“Ok?”
Son:
“And rub 1 out.”
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A boy called up his mom from hospital, “Mom, I took tests and they declared that I have AIDS.”
Mom, “What? Don’t come back home son, go away.”
Boy “Why mom, I’m your son.”
Mom, “You foolish boy! If you come back home, then your wife will be infected, from your wife to your brother, from your brother to our maid, from our maid to your dad, from your dad to my sister, from my sister to her husband, from her husband to me, from me to our gardener, from our gardener to your sister…
And if your sister got it, then the whole town is in trouble.
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Little boy gets home from school early and walks into the lounge room and hears his mum and dad making strange noises and he see's his mum and dad doing something on the couch
Little boy: mum, dad what where you doing last night?
Mum and Dad: baking a Cake
Little boy: okay but next time I want chocolate frosting not vanilla
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Little Johnny’s teacher was asking all the kids in the class what their parents did for a living.
Little Mary got up and said, “my Dad is a pilot, and my Mommy is an architect.”
“Great” said the teacher.
Michael got up and said, “my Dad is a Doctor, and my Mom is a housewife.” Good said the teacher.
Johnny was last in the class and when he got up he said:
“My Mommy, she is a substitute.”
Knowing better about his background and always striving to correct the kids, the teacher said, “you mean she is a Рrоsтiтuте?”
“No”. Said Johnny, “my Sister, she is the Рrоsтiтuте, but when she does not feel well, my Mommy substitutes.”
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Your so ugly when you were born your mom said "Oh what a treasure" and your dad said "Yeah le´ts bury it."
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I took my 12-year-old son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, “Dad, I need a shiт.”
“Go and have one then,” I said. “That’s the beauty of camping, you can shiт anywhere you want and you can’t get into trouble.”
He walked off and came back a few minutes later.
“Where did you have one?” I asked.
He said, “In your car.”
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The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
Little Johnny interrupted, "My dad looked back once, while he was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and he turned into a telephone pole!"
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What did the redneck say to the stripper........ "call dad, he worries sis"
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Some crazy woman knocked on my door with a little boy this morning.
She said, “Say hello to your dad.”
I said, “There must be some kind of mistake, that’s not my dad.”
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I just found out I’m going to be a Dad! I’m really excited.
I just hope my wife is too when she finds out.
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Little Lexi was going to get a drink of water during the night, and she overheard her father say "You little b*tch. You like that, huh?" And her mother replied with, "Oh yeah, I love your diск. Go deeper!!" The next day she asked her mother what diск meant. The mom told her a diск was a coat. She then asked her dad what b*tch meant. Her father said that a b*tch was a person. Later on, Lexi found her parents arguing. "YOU МОТНЕRFUСКЕR!!" Her mom shouted. "You're just a SLUТ!" Her dad replied. Again, little Lexi was curious, and asked her mother what a motherf*cker was. Her mother said it was a turkey. Later, she asked her dad what a sluт meant. He said it meant toilet. After that, her dad was on the toilet yelling "Honey, I'm having a big shiт on the toilet so let's not have sеx until later?" She asked what shiт was and he said eating. He also said having sеx meant socializing. After all that, her family came over for Thanksgiving. Little Lexi said "Happy Thanksgiving, b*tches! We're going to shiт soon, my dad is upstairs eating the sluт in the bathroom! My moms going to cut the motherf*cker shortly! Hang up your diскs and stay a while! I can't wait to have sеx with you!
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Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
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Съвременно семейство: son: I got an ipad daughter: I got an ipod mom: I got an iphone dad:.....Ipaid
Son: Iphone! * holding it*
Daughter: Ipod! *holding it*
Mom: Ipad! *holding it*
Dad: IPAID!
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One day, little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?”
Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. He told him the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life. How life developed and finally, how a child was born. As the story unfolded, Johnny’s eyes got wider and wider.
When his father was finished, Johnny said, “Wow, that is really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Cranston.”
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A boy's parents are fighting and the mom calls the dad a Ваsтаrd and the dad calls the mom a Вiтсh. The kid asks them what it means and they say Ladies and Gentlemen.
That night the son walks in on his parents having angry sеx.
The dad say "feel my diск" and the mom says "suск my тiттiеs"
The son asks "what does that mean" and the parents say Hats and Coats.
The next day the dad is shaving and cuts himself so he screams "shiт!" and the kid asks what it meas and the dad says its a brand of shaving cream.
The kid then goes downstairs and the mom is stuffing the turkey and accidentally cuts herself and screams"f*ck!"
When the guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner the kid answers the door and says.
"Alright you Вiтсhеs and Ваsтаrds, hang your Diскs and Тiттiеs in the closet, Dad's upstairs wiping the Shiт off his face and Mom's in the kitchen Fuскing the turkey!"
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