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Dad Jokes

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Three Boy Scouts, were fishing in a boat one day when they heard a lot of commotion. They followed the sounds and found another boat capsized as a man struggled to keep his head above water. Being Boy Scouts, they went to his aid and fished the man out.
The man was Bill Clinton. The ex-president toweled himself off and caught his breath, and thanked the three scouts. He asked if there was anything he could do for them. "I'd sure like a tour of the White House," the first scout said. "Can you still pull that off?"
"No problem," said Bill. "How's next week?"
"I want to go for a ride in Air Force One," said the second scout.
"We can do that next week, too," Bill replied.
"I'd like to be buried in Arlington National Cemetery," said the third.
"I'm sure we can arrange that," said Bill. "But son, you're awfully young to be worrying about that, aren't you?"
"You don't know my Dad," the scout replied. "When he finds out I helped save your life, he's gonna кill me!"
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My dad told me that my great grandfather knew the exact hour of the exact day of the exact year he was going to die. I said, “that’s amazing how the hеll did he know all that?” My dad replied, “the judge told him.”
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I met this girl on the weekend and took her home to meet my dad.
He whispered to me, “Where the fсuк did you get her from, son?! She’s cross-eyed, bow-legged, and she’s got no teeth!”
I replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Dad. She’s deaf as well.”
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Once little Johnny heard a grunting noise upstairs. He goes in his parents' room and sees them moving under the blanket . His dad comes out and says "Oh ! Son we were just wrestling ." Little Johnny says "Oh. I"LL BE HULK HOGAN!!" And dives in the bed.
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Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.
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I picked up a girl for a date from her parent’s house.
“Make sure she’s home by 11” growled her Dad.
“Relax. I’ll have her back by 10 if you like” I replied.
“Oh, okay” he said, lightening up.
“It may be even earlier, to be honest. I’ll bring her back once I’ve fcuked her”.
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Son: Dad, will you remember me in 5 years?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 year?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 6 months?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 month?
Dad: Yes
Son 1 week?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 5 days?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 5 hours?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 hour?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 30 minutes?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 minute?
Dad: Yes.
Son: 1 second?
Dad: Yes.
Son: Knock Knock
Dad: Who's there?
Son: See, you forgot me already!!!
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Is your Dad an astronaut? Because someone took the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
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Little Johnny got home from school and told his mum " I just had my first sеxuаl experience!"
His mum replied "I'm going to speak to your dad about this when he gets home. Go to your room." So little Johnny goes to his room.
When his dad gets home his mum tells him about little Johnny's first sеxuаl experience.
His dad says "I won't get too angry at him because at his age, I was looking for my first sеxuаl experience to."
When he gets to little Johnny's room he asks him "So how was it?"
Little Johnny replies it was Great! The only downside is my аss hurts."
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I tried to buy my dad a World’s Greatest Dad mug for his birthday today.
The cashier told me that I was too late. Somebody else’s dad already is.
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My dad sat me down, brought the laptop in and said, “Son, I think it’s time to talk to you about роrnоgrарhy.”
“What about it?” I replied.
“How the hеll can I get past the filters without your mum knowing?”
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Во автобус Le fils : – Aujourd’hui O menino conversa com a mãe: — Mãe Toto dit à sa maman : - Tu sais Jasiu mówi do mamy: - Mamo Chlapeček vypráví Berniukas: - Mama Toto discute avec sa maman. - Tu sais
Little Johnny: Mom, I was in the bus yesterday with dad and he asked me to give up my seat for a lady.
Mom: Good, you did the right thing.
Little Johnny: But Mom, I was sitting on dad’s lap.
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Little Johnny was raking leaves with his Dad who was telling him about how the fairies turned the leaves brown. He looked up puzzled and said: Dad haven’t you ever heard of photosynthesis?”
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What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
- ” Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything !! “
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25 Years From Now: Dad, how did you meet mum?
Well son, your mum just had the hottest profile picture so I had to poke her…
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Joey goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me соndом please? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may be getting lucky tonight."
The Pharmacist gives him the соndом but as soon as he does Joey tells him, "Give me another соndом because my girlfriends sister is also very cute too and always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when I am around, I think I might get lucky with her too."
The Pharmacist gives him another соndом and as he was about to leave Joey returned and requested for a third.
"My girlfriend's mom is really cute and she always makes eye contact when I'm around and since she invited me for dinner I think she might be expecting me to make a move."
During the dinner Joey sits down with his girlfriend on the right, her sister on the left and her mom facing him. When the dad walks in. Joey lowers his and starts the dinner prayer.
"Dear Lord bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given us..." Ten minutes later Joey is still praying. His girlfriend now surprised gets close to him and whispers, "I didn't know you where this religious."
Joey with his head still bowed in prayer replied "I never knew your dad was a Pharmacist!"
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Dad: Why are your eyes so red?
Son: I was smoking marijuana
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot
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'Hey Dad, do you know any jokes?'
'Sure Son, go ask your mother what she does for a living'
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