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Dad Jokes

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Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
Because they were trans-parents!
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My daughter woke up this morning and one of her four hamsters had died.
"Dad, I want another one just like it," she said.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yes," she replied.
So I reached into the cage, pulled out a second hamster and threw it hard against the wall.
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A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gаy. The father says,
"Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies,
"Yeah, but he's so cute!"
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A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunк dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whоrе. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his вееr. An hour goes by and the drunк dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whоrе!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says,
"Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunк dude walks up a third time and says,
"Your mom... is such... a whоrе!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says,
"You know what, Dad? Go home!"
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Dad:
"Say 'daddy.'"
Baby:
"Mommy!"
Dad:
"Come on, say 'daddy!'"
Baby:
"Mommy!"
Dad:
"fuск you. Say 'daddy!'"
Baby:
"fuск you. Mommy!"
Mom:
"Honey, I'm home!"
Baby:
"fuск you!"
Mom:
"Who taught you to say that?"
Baby:
"Daddy!"
Dad:
"Son of a b*tch."
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As I was driving home I hit a cat.
When I got home my dad said
" Why are you getting home so late?"
I said back "I creamed some рussy."
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A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice:
"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it." Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said,
"Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"
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A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says,
"A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says,
"I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"
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Ben:
"Dad, there is a hole in my shoe."
Dad:
"Yes, Ben, that's where you put your foot."
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A father is having dinner with his son and says,
"Son tell me a lie," and the son says,
"Dad."
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A man comes home early from work and shouts, "Honey, I'm home!" No reply. So he goes upstairs and calls from the landing, "Honey, I am home," but still no reply. Frustrated, he goes into the bedroom and finds his wife on the bed, stark nакеd. "Oh Norman, I didn't expect you this early," she says, holding her chest and breathing heavily. He thinks she is having an heart attack and runs downstairs to ring for an ambulance. He starts dialing the emergency number when his young daughter starts pulling at his jacket. "Dad," she says. "Dad," she says again. "What is it? I'm busy," he says. "Uncle Jack is in the wardrobe with no clothes on," she tells him. He drops the phone and runs back to the bedroom. "You ваsтаrd, you f**king ваsтаrd," he shouts angrily at Norman. "You ваsтаrd! My wife is having a heart attack and you are going around scaring the kids!"
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A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says,
"Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his father, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet.
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Girl: Daddy can I watch the T. V.
Dad: Sure but just don't turn it on.
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One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sеx. Little Suzie asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies,
"They're baking a cake" so that she doesn't have to explain sеx to little Suzie.
Later that day, after mom has tucked little Suzie into bed, little Suzie's dad comes home. Mom and dad decide to have sеx on the couch.
The next morning, little Suzie goes up to mom and asks, "Mommy, were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Mom replies,
"Yes we were, Suzie. How did you know?"
Suzie replies,
"Cause I saw some icing on the couch."
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When you and your momma had an argument, it was a battle of the wits. Nit versus Dim. Then your dad joined, and it was Nit versus Dim verses Half.
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A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"
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Annoying guy: you failed
Me: your dad. Didn't when he left you and your mom
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Yo momma's so fат, your dad had to roll over twice before he could get off her.
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