Dad Jokes

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Me: Dad can I have a dog?
Dad: A cat!? What the hеll you want a hamster for? A goldfish is more than enough. Here's a collar, put it on your sister

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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viаgrа in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said,
"I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
"I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

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Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?
Because they were trans-parents!

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A young boy comes home from school in a bad mood. His father asks him, "What's wrong, son?" The kid tells his dad that he's upset because another kid has been teasing him and calling him gаy. The father says,
"Punch him in the face next time he does that. I bet he'll stop." The kid replies,
"Yeah, but he's so cute!"

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Son:
"Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"
Dad:
"Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"

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A guy is sitting at a bar, and a drunк dude walks up to him, calling his mom a whоrе. The first guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his вееr. An hour goes by and the drunк dude comes back saying, "Your mom is a whоrе!" The first guy looks around the bar, sees people staring and says,
"Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunк dude walks up a third time and says,
"Your mom... is such... a whоrе!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says,
"You know what, Dad? Go home!"

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Dad:
"Say 'daddy.'"
Baby:
"Mommy!"
Dad:
"Come on, say 'daddy!'"
Baby:
"Mommy!"
Dad:
"fuск you. Say 'daddy!'"
Baby:
"fuск you. Mommy!"
Mom:
"Honey, I'm home!"
Baby:
"fuск you!"
Mom:
"Who taught you to say that?"
Baby:
"Daddy!"
Dad:
"Son of a b*tch."

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As I was driving home I hit a cat.
When I got home my dad said
" Why are you getting home so late?"
I said back "I creamed some рussy."

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A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice:
"If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it." Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?" She explained what her father had told her and the driver said,
"Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"

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A kid asks his dad, "What's a man?" The dad says,
"A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family." The kid says,
"I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!"

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Ben:
"Dad, there is a hole in my shoe."
Dad:
"Yes, Ben, that's where you put your foot."

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A father is having dinner with his son and says,
"Son tell me a lie," and the son says,
"Dad."

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A blonde man marries his girlfriend who is also blonde. It's their first honeymoon night and the man doesn't quite know what to do. He calls his dad, who says,
"Son, you take the hardest thing you got and you put it where she goes to the bathroom." The newlywed thanks his father, hangs up the phone, and places his bowling ball in the toilet.

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So, a kid happens to see his mom nакеd and asks, pointing to her vаginа, "What is that?" The mom replies,
"That is my house." She responds. A little while later the kid sees his dad nакеd and asks the same question. "Well, son, that is the Big Bad Wolf," responds the dad. Some time goes bye and the kid goes into his parents bedroom, while they are amidst sеx. "Hey mom," pipes the kid, "watch out! I think the Big Bad Wolf just walked into your house and shot the piggie!"

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Girl: Daddy can I watch the T. V.
Dad: Sure but just don't turn it on.

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One day, little Suzie and her mom are walking down a beach when they see a couple having sеx. Little Suzie asks her mother, "What are they doing?" And her mother replies,
"They're baking a cake" so that she doesn't have to explain sеx to little Suzie.
Later that day, after mom has tucked little Suzie into bed, little Suzie's dad comes home. Mom and dad decide to have sеx on the couch.
The next morning, little Suzie goes up to mom and asks, "Mommy, were you and daddy baking a cake last night?"
Mom replies,
"Yes we were, Suzie. How did you know?"
Suzie replies,
"Cause I saw some icing on the couch."

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When you and your momma had an argument, it was a battle of the wits. Nit versus Dim. Then your dad joined, and it was Nit versus Dim verses Half.

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A tomato dad, mother, and son are walking in a street. The tomato son falls behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on him, and yells, "Ketchup!"

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