Dad Jokes

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Your momma is so fат that your dad has to climb 15 minutes just to give her a kiss.

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Son- dad you remember your first рussy liск?
Dad- yes
Son- what did the toungh feel like?
Dad- go fuск your self

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A little boy went to a whоrе house and asked to buy a girl for the night but first he asked do any of them had a disease the woman behind the counter replied no and he said thats вullshiт my dad said amber has hеrреs she said I guess thats true he said well then good I'll take her last door on the right she replied the boy went to the room amber said why do you want me the boy said because then I'll get hеrреs and I'll have sеx with my babysitter because she likes little boys my dad will take her home and fuск her then he'll get hеrреs then he'll fuск my mom and get hеrреs then she'll fuск the mail man and he'll get hеrреs and hes the one who ran over my dog

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Girl:What's the price of this shirt .
Boy: 5 kisses .
Girl :What's the price of that dress .
Boy:10 kisses .
Girl: pack both of them dad will pay .
Boy : oh f*ck

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Dad:
- ”Excuse me waitress, I ordered this filet medium-rare and this is clearly a peanut butter and jelly”
Mom:
- ”Did you just call me waitress?”

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A kid walks in on his dad f*cking is mom, he goes into his grandmothers room, his dad walks in, "Son, what the hеll are you doing?!"
"You were f*cking my mom, now I'm f*cking yours!"

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A little boy walks in on his parents having sеx, his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister and, the child replies. Daddy do her doggy style I want puppies.

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Kid: Mommy can I take a shower with you?
Mom: Fine. But don't look up and don't look down.
When there in the shower the kid looks up and says:
Kid: Mommy what are those?
Mom: These are the headlights.
Kid looks down and says:
Kid: What's that?
Mom: That's the garage.
The next day the kid takes a shower with his dad.
The kid looks down and says:
Kid: Whats that?
Dad: Thats the car.
The next day the kid goes into his parents room and says:
Kid: Mommy turn on the headlights, dady park the car in the garage.

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My 6yo son was in the garden looking at a couple pf spiders, when he said dad, Is that a mummylongleg under that daddylongleg. I looked at him and said, No son there's only daddylonglegs. I was feeling rather impressed that he was asking such intelligent question. When I saw him stomp on the spIders yelling "THERE WILL BE NONE OF THAT POOFTER SНIТ GOING ON IN OUR GARDEN"

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Son: dad dad a kid told me I am gay
Dad: well kick his ass
Son: oooh nooo he is so cute

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One day a little boy and a little girl were taking a bath because they didn't know what anything meant yet. The little girl looked down and saw the boys реnis and asked "what's that?". The boy said "i don't know i will ask my daddy.". And then the boy looked down and saw her vаginа and asked "what's that?". The girl said "i don't know, i will ask my mommy.". So they both go home and ask there parents.
The boy said "daddy what's this?". His dad said "son that's your car, you try and put it in a girls garage.". The boy said oh and ran upstairs to play.
The girl said "mommy what's this?'. The mom said "honey that's your garage, you don't let boys park there cars in there.". The girl said "oh." and ran upstairs to play.
The next day the little boy and girl were takink another bath and told eachother what there parents said. The boy remembering what his dad said tried to put his 'car' in her 'garage'.
A couple minutes later the girl ran home crying with blood all over her. The mom said "honey what happened?!?!?". The girl said "a boy tried to put his car in my garage so i slit his back tires!!!".

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There was a person sitting on the park bench. Some kids ran past and called him a motherf*cker. He didn't know what it was so he went he and asked his mother. His mother was startled so she said it means guests or friends. The next day some people said he was a рussy. Again he asked his mother and she said it was food. A few days later he heard a conversation and some said"having sеx."He asked his mum and she said getting ready. His girlfriend and her paremts came and he told them"hello motherf*ckers,рussy is on the the table. Mm and dad are having sеx.

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Guy: Haha your a fail
Me: Just like your dad's соndом and your mom's abortion

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How Fast Can You Guess These Short Words You Probably Use Every Day?
1. F__ k
2. Pu_s_
3. S_x
4. P_n_s
5. Boo_s
6. __ Ndom
Answers
1. Fork
2. Pulse
3. Six
4. Pants
5. Books
6. Random
Scoring
6 Correct: You're doing great! A young and supple mind.
5 Correct: You're still OK: everyone can miss ONE now and then.
4 Correct: You're past your prime, dad.
3 Correct: You're past your prime, grandma.
2 Correct: You really need to see your doctor.
1 Correct: You're probably already being seen by a doctor.
0 Correct: What a pervert!

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My friend:
"You have terrible aim"
Me:
"Yea, well if you dad had better aim we wouldn't have to deal with you, now would we"

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SON: How does a vаginа looks likes, dad?
DAD: Well, it's pink, soft,tight.
SON: How about after sеx?
DAD: Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?

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A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other "what is it?"
They both replied "I don't know?"
So that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said "It's a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage."
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said "It's a pink a garage don't let any red a farahri park in it!"
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said "whats that?"
Girl: Blood!"
Mom:
"From what?"
Girl:
"A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off!"

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Playing I spy with my dad when I was younger:
Dad: I spy something gray.
Little sister: Your hair!
Dad: I spy something adopted!

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