Dad Jokes

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A kid went to the police department to report about his stolen bicycle.
OFFICER: Are you suspicious about anyone who would steal it?
KID: My parents, I guess. Because in the night I heard dad saying:
"Нuмр on it before Derek wakes up!"

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Son - "Dad, I'm gаy."
Dad - "I had sеx with your mom."
Son - "Huh?"
Dad - "Sorry, I thought we were talking about things that were stupidly obvious."

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A girl has a sleepover with 3 guys. Then her dad comes down and paints her vаginа purple. He tells the boys,"I'm going to sleep. When I come back i'm going to check and see if any of you had sеx with my daughter." An hour later, he wakes up and checks everybody. When he checks the first two boys their penises are purple so he knows they had sеx with his daughter. When he checks the last guy his diск is clean. The dad says "Good job."
When the third boy opens his mouth to say thanks, his mouth is purple!

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A kid has a shower with his mom and says dont look up so he does and said mommy whats that the mum said the garage sweetie
The next day the kid has a shower with his dad and the dad said dont look up so he did and he said whats that daddy the dad said the harley
That night the kid sleeps in his mom and dads bed and the dad comes in a says copme on time to move i have to park the harley in the garage and the little boy said i just did that daddy

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Ok, first date, don't sсrеw this up.
Girl: So where are you from?
Me: My dad's nuts; ever been there?
Damn it!

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Dad: Hey son, how much feet do two chickens have?
Son: Four.
Dad: How much teeth do two cats have?
Son: I dunno.
Dad: Strange, you know more about соск than рussy.

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“So”, thundered Larry’s furious father, “you’ve been expelled from college, have you?
“Yes, Dad. I am a fugitive from a brain gang.”

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"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old. The father was shocked that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that. He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son. When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

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It's dinner time. Mom tell her 4 year old son to give a call to his dad to get home early for dinner together.
Mom:
"Son, please give your father a call and tell him to come back early, we'll having dinner together"
Son:
"Yes ,mom."
A moment later... Dialing...
Son:
" Mom... Someone had pick up the call... But..."
Mom:
"But what?"
Son:
"It sounds like a..."
Mom:
"Any problem with that?"
Son:
"No mom..."
Mom:
"So?"
Son:
"Hmm..."
Mom:
"Make sure tell your dad to come back early..."
Son:
"Yeah... But... That's not dad, is... A women's voice..."
Mom:
"What!!!"
His mom getting angry with this... Soon,daddy went home.
Dad:
"Hey darling,I'm back..."
Mom(angry):
"Make sure to clean yourself first! Don't try to lie in this family!!!"
Dad:
"Hey??? What I've done....?"
They argue for a long time... Dad goes straight to his room and mom sits on the sofa.
After a while...
Son:
"Mom, please don't angry..."
Mom:
"Your father betrayed us, he had another women... (mom crying)
Son:
"Don't cry mom, father won't leave us and the women told me to try later..."
Mom:
"Gosh!!! what else she told you?"
Son: She told me that, "The number you've dial is out of coverage, please try later."

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My dad drives so slow that when we're on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

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As soon as that baby hits, you get these scary mailings that says stuff like, 'Congratulations, new dad! Now, what about life insurance, disability, college fund? What if they get sick, Dad? Think of the future, Dad.' So I did -- I got a vasectomy.

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Fаggот: Your Gay
Me: There is nothing wrong with being gаy, just ask your dad.

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A young polar bear asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% Polar Bear"
The father bear responds, "Well, son, I am all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your grandparents, even your great grandparents are 100% polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"
The young polar bear replies "Because I am really cold!"

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Dad:
"What happened to your eye?"
Tom:
"I was staring at a ball from afar, and I was wondering why it was getting вiggеr and вiggеr. Then, it hit me."

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After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

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Dad: Son!
Kid: What?
Dad: Where's your homework?
Kid: Oh, it's done.
Dad: I said WHERE.
Kid: in the world.
Dad: Where in the world?
Kid: In our home, duh
Dad: Where in the home?
Kid: Which home?
Dad: Our home!
Kid: Who is our?
Dad: You, your mother and I
Kid: Which eye? The left or right?
Dad: Shut up!
Kid: Who?
Dad: You!
Kid: When?
****Dad leaves home****

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I was such a mean little kid. I was like, 'Dad, you know what? You can't tell me what to do. You're not even my real father.' He's like, 'Watch your mouth, boy. I still got the receipt.'

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Son: Dad, I need some money to go to 50 cent's concert.
Dad: Is your mother home?
Son: Yeah why?
Dad: Tell her to give you a dollar, and take your sister too. Son: Dad! He's a rapper 50 cent is just his rapper name the concert isn't actually 50 cents!
Dad: Oh.. never mind you can't go then.

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