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Dad Jokes

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A South Korean family go into a Disneyland restaurant.
Dad looks at the menu and says “The 101 Dalmatians please”
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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about рussy, and their b*tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a рussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a рussy." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a рussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vаginа and says "Son, this is a рussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"
The dad replies,
"That's everything outside the circle!"
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My fifteen year old son had a date last night with a girl he really likes and he asked me, “Dad, what’s the best way to guarantee a shаg?”
I handed him two rohypnol and said, “Here son, try these.”
A few hours later I found the dаfт сunт unconscious on his bedroom floor.
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Son: Dad, I want to get married.
Father: First, tell me you're sorry.
Son: For what?
Father: Say sorry.
Son: But for what ? What did I do?
Father: Just say sorry.
Son: But... What have i done wrong ?
Father: Say sorry!
Son: WHY?
Father: Say sorry!!
Son: Please, just tell me why?
Father: Say sorry!!!
Son: OK, Dad... I'm sorry!
Father: There ! You're finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!
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They want to get back on their kids for sсrеwing up their lives, so they're your best friends. 'You know, Grandma, Dad's yelling at me.'
'Oh yeah? Well tell him he peed in his bed 'til he was 12. See if he yells at you now.'
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A boy was getting a checkup at the doctor's office, while his mother was in the waiting room. Trying to get some information out of the boy, the nurse asked,
"What's your mother's name?"
The boy replied, "Mom."
The nurse said,
"Well, what does your dad call her?"
The boy responded, "Tammy." The nurse wrote this down. She did the same thing, only with the father as the subject, and got the same reply, "Dad."
As a last resort, she remarked, once again, "What does your mom call him?"
The boy looked up at her with big innocent eyes and said,
"Idiот."
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Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Sатаn stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
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He's your basic dad: he has no idea what's going on. He's never done any drugs, but he's burnt beyond recognition.
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Bill and his father are out fishing and drinking вееr while discussing football and NASCAR.
All of a sudden Bill says, “Dad, I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.”
His father, silent for a moment, slowly takes a sip of his вееr and says, “Son, you better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”
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A little girl asks his dad:
"Dad, how did I get my name?" The dad said,
"Well, Rose, a rose fell on your head when you were young, so I named you Rose." Rose's sister comes in and asked "hey dad, how did I get MY name?"
And the dad said:
"Well, Daisy, when you were young, a daisy fell on your head, so I named you Daisy."
Then a mental rетаrd brother comes in and said:
"Brabrb an rbabra"
"Oh hey Brick." Said the dad.
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Dad:
"Don't hang out with those friends, they'll look up inappropriate stuff on their phones."
Me:
"Uh Okay I guess I won't." *SILENTLY, TO MYSELF* "What do you think I do all day, dad?"
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A mother and daughter were out shopping at the mall. The mother saw an expensive fur coat and stated, "This year, I think I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me and I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
The daughter protested, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
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A son asks his mother " Is Jesus perfect?"
The mother responds "Yes"
Then the son asks " Is God perfect?"
The mother responds "Yes"
Then he asks "Are you perfect?"
The mother says "Yes!"
Then finally the son asks "Is dad?"
Immediately the mother responds "NO!"
The son then says "Why is that?"
The mom responds saying "Because he forgot his соndом and made you!"
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A 10yr old boy returns home and tells his parents, ‘ive just had sеx with my English teacher!’
Outraged the mother storms out the room, while the father says ‘well done son, im going to get you that bike you wanted!
No thanks dad, after all that sеx the saddle will no doubt hurt my аrsе.’
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My dad just got a toupee, also -- not a very nice one, though, made out of cat hair. Every time you touch his head, his вuтт goes up in the air.
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A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said,
"I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked,
"What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Вееr and women with big воовs."
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Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher.
I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.
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Dad- Say daddy
Baby-Mommy
Dad- No say daddy...
Baby- No mommy
Daddy- Fuск you say daddy...
Babby Fuск you mommy
Mom-(Walks in the door)---What are you doing
Daddy- trying to get the baby to say daddy Baby Mommy
Daddy- (says quitley) fuск you say mommy
Mommy- WHat did you say..
Babby- Fuск you mommy
Mommy- BABY WERE DID YOU LEARN THAT!!?!
Babby- DADDY
Dad- SHIT
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