Dad Jokes

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Me: Why do you want to ride a bike?
Friend: Because I want to.
Other Friend: You're just jealous because you can't ride a bike.
Class: OOOHHH!!!
Me: Well, the only thing that you can ride is your dad's diск!
Class: OOOHHH!!!

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Trying to come to the aid of his Dad, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the mischievous child piped up, “Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!”

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I remember when I used to get on the bus with my dad, and he would tell me to say I was under 5 so he wouldn’t have to pay my fare.
In the end I decided to start walking to work.

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Teacher: Joey, why did you bring your pussycat to school?
Joey: Well, I heard my dad say to my mom last night that he was going to eat that рussy when I went to school, and I didn't want poor Bubbles to get eaten!
Teacher: ...

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For the whole 5 years I’ve been with my girlfriend, I’ve been begging her to try аnаl.
Until one day recently she gave in and said “Right! We can either do аnаl and spend the rainy day fund on those curtains I want, or, we don’t do аnаl and we buy the 3D TV you want. Which is it to be?”
At this point I remembered something my Dad told me once. He said “Son, if you just can’t decide, listen to your heart”
Taking his advice, I found my stethoscope and held it to my chest.
My heart’s answer was a resounding BumBum.. BumBum.. BumBum.. BumBum.

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Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Sam: Well, at least you could try.

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Bully-Dude those pants look like my sisters and that hat looks like my moms
Kid-Oh I must have put on the wrong stuff after ваnging them in a threesome
Bully-But my dad was off of work so he was home
Kid-They were screaming so loud he just thought they were fighting
Kid-oh there's your sister now
Sister-Last night was fun we should do it again
Bully-...

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Jеrк: Nobody likes you!
Me: If I was your dad, I would have worn two condoms when f*cking your mum just to make sure that accidents like you don't happen!

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My dad is obsessed with turning off lights and unplugging things which is why he’s just been fired from his job at air traffic control.

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Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...
When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..
But he does have witnesses... Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..
"Look at that guy," Jesus says,
"He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."
"No," God says,
"I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."
Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.
"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"
"That's right, son, indeed it is.... And because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

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A black kid and his father are on an airplane.
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
“Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced we were forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A’s. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane.”
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. “We are not African Americans.”
Shortly after another announcement is made. “Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B’s. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane.”
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. “No son we are not black.”
Shortly after another announcement is made. “Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C’s. Will all colored people please jump out the plane.”
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. “No son were not colored.”
“But dad, if we’re not African American, black, or colored, what are we?”
“Son, today we’re niggеrs and we sure as hеll aint jumping before the Mexicans!”

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My wife said to our son, “So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?”
“No, not really,” my son replied. “The zoo was ruввish.”
“Why was it ruввish?” asked my wife.
“Because the only animals there were horses running around a track.”

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A dad sees his son swatting a honeybee. He says,
"For that, no honey for a month. The next day, he sees his son killing a butterfly. He says,
"For that no butter for a month." The next day, he sees his wife кill a cockroach. The son says,
"Dad you want to tell her or should I?"

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“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
“Chris, close the god dамn door if you’re taking a shiт.”

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Three Неll’s Angels are sitting at a table in a greasy-spoon when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, “I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shiт-faced.”
The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, “My dad says he will marry my mother next year.”
Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, “My old man will never, EVER marry my mother!”
The nun looks up from her food and says, “Would one of you ваsтаrds please pass the fuскing’ salt?”

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“Sit up straight at the dinner table!” said my wife to my son.
“Why?” he asked. “Dad doesn’t.”
“That’s because he’s spineless,” she replied.
I really should say something but I don’t want to cause a fuss.

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Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.

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Mom: Wherever, we keep the money our son always finds it and takes it where else can we ever put it!?
Dad: Hmm.. why don't you just put it in his book's its not like he ever touches them! Mom: Your a genius!
Dad: Неll yeah, I am.

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