Dad Jokes

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Teacher: Joey, why did you bring your pussycat to school?
Joey: Well, I heard my dad say to my mom last night that he was going to eat that рussy when I went to school, and I didn't want poor Bubbles to get eaten!
Teacher: ...

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For the whole 5 years I’ve been with my girlfriend, I’ve been begging her to try аnаl.
Until one day recently she gave in and said “Right! We can either do аnаl and spend the rainy day fund on those curtains I want, or, we don’t do аnаl and we buy the 3D TV you want. Which is it to be?”
At this point I remembered something my Dad told me once. He said “Son, if you just can’t decide, listen to your heart”
Taking his advice, I found my stethoscope and held it to my chest.
My heart’s answer was a resounding BumBum.. BumBum.. BumBum.. BumBum.

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Sam: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.
Sam: Well, at least you could try.

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Jеrк: Nobody likes you!
Me: If I was your dad, I would have worn two condoms when f*cking your mum just to make sure that accidents like you don't happen!

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My dad is obsessed with turning off lights and unplugging things which is why he’s just been fired from his job at air traffic control.

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Preacher decides to skip Sunday services and go to the golf course to hit a few...
When he gets there, he discovers there isn't anybody else around, and he has the entire course to himself..
But he does have witnesses... Seems God and Jesus are keeping an eye on him, and they don't approve of his church hooky-playing..
"Look at that guy," Jesus says,
"He should be in church instead of out there. C'mon, Dad, let me hit him with a lightning bolt or something."
"No," God says,
"I've something else in mind for him. Watch what happens when he makes his next shot."
Guy sets up a ball, drives it off the tee-It sails 200 yards and lands squarely in the hole.
"What kind of punishment is that, Dad?!" Jesus yells, "That has to be one of the greatest golf shots in history!!"
"That's right, son, indeed it is.... And because he's alone, he can't tell anyone about it."

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A black kid and his father are on an airplane.
The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.
“Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced we were forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no chocie but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A’s. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane.”
The little boy starts getting up but his dad stopps him. “We are not African Americans.”
Shortly after another announcement is made. “Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B’s. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane.”
The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. “No son we are not black.”
Shortly after another announcement is made. “Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C’s. Will all colored people please jump out the plane.”
Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. “No son were not colored.”
“But dad, if we’re not African American, black, or colored, what are we?”
“Son, today we’re niggеrs and we sure as hеll aint jumping before the Mexicans!”

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My wife said to our son, “So, did you enjoy your day at the zoo with your dad?”
“No, not really,” my son replied. “The zoo was ruввish.”
“Why was it ruввish?” asked my wife.
“Because the only animals there were horses running around a track.”

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The phone bill was exceptionally high. Man called a family meeting to discuss the matter.
Dad:
"This is unacceptable, I don't use the home phone, I use my work phone."
Mom:
"Me too, I use my company phone. I hardly use the home phone."
Son:
"I use my office mobile. I never use the home phone."
All of them shocked turned to look at the maid who was patiently listening to them all this time.
Maid:
"What? So we all use our work phones, what is the big deal?"

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A dad sees his son swatting a honeybee. He says,
"For that, no honey for a month. The next day, he sees his son killing a butterfly. He says,
"For that no butter for a month." The next day, he sees his wife кill a cockroach. The son says,
"Dad you want to tell her or should I?"

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“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
“Chris, close the god dамn door if you’re taking a shiт.”

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Three Неll’s Angels are sitting at a table in a greasy-spoon when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, “I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shiт-faced.”
The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, “My dad says he will marry my mother next year.”
Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, “My old man will never, EVER marry my mother!”
The nun looks up from her food and says, “Would one of you ваsтаrds please pass the fuскing’ salt?”

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Son: Dad!, Dad! I got a part in the school play! I play the husband.
Dad: Too bad they did not give a speaking role.

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Mom: Wherever, we keep the money our son always finds it and takes it where else can we ever put it!?
Dad: Hmm.. why don't you just put it in his book's its not like he ever touches them! Mom: Your a genius!
Dad: Неll yeah, I am.

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A South Korean family go into a Disneyland restaurant.
Dad looks at the menu and says “The 101 Dalmatians please”

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A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about рussy, and their b*tch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a рussy?"The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a рussy." the son then asks "What's a b*tch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a b*tch."The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a рussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vаginа and says "Son, this is a рussy!"The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a b*tch?"
The dad replies,
"That's everything outside the circle!"

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My fifteen year old son had a date last night with a girl he really likes and he asked me, “Dad, what’s the best way to guarantee a shаg?”
I handed him two rohypnol and said, “Here son, try these.”
A few hours later I found the dаfт сunт unconscious on his bedroom floor.

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“This is my step-dad”
“It’s nice son, but why on earth did you build one?”

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