Dad Jokes

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Mum is working in the kitchen when Dad enters with his first еrестiоn in years.
‘Mum … get into bed,’ he says. She takes off her apron, puts all the ingredients and utensils away, washes her hands, takes off her undiеs gets on the bed … but all too late.
Dad has withered away. ‘Yer know Mum … we can’t ‘ave this ‘appen agin,’ says Dad. ‘Next time I giт one of these, I’ll ring the firebell so you start gittin’ ready when youse hears it.
When I giт to the house with it, we’ll be right to go.’ Months go by. Mum’s in the kitchen, when suddenly she hears the firebell.
She goes through all the preparations real quick! Dad comes pounding into the house in his big boots, through the kitchen, into the bedroom where Mum lies waiting for him, legs wide apart.
He looks at her and says, ‘Get up, yer silly old oversexed соw … the вlооdy barn’s on fire!
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3 boys are fishing on a river and a man comes floating by screaming help. The 3 boys grab the man and they realize it is Justin Bieber! Justin said thank you and he wanted to give each boy a gift, anything they wanted.
The first boy said, I haven't been to Disney World. Justin gave him and his family an all expense paid trip to Florida.
The second boy said, that he loves fishing but his dad works to much. Justin bought him and his dad an all expense paid trip to Alaska.
The third boy said what about a motorized wheel chair, with a tv and an Xbox attached, and it dispenses candy. Justin said yes, and that was great that he was giving away his gift. He asked who would be getting this gift? It's for me he replied. To that Justin replied, you can walk just fine though.
I will need that wheel chair after my dad finds out I pulled you out of the river.
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One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling "YOU ВIТСН"
"You ваsтаrd".
Being so young, the kid had never heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant. They replied by saying "Вiтсh means lady and ваsтаrd means gentlemen". Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room.
Then he heard the neighbors having sеx. They were repeating the words "DIСК and "СUNТ" over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his mother said "Diск means coat and сunт means jackets."
Once again the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom, but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing that the boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little to quick and ended up cutting himself, "SНIТ!!!!!" he yelled. "What's shiт mean daddy," the boy asked . The father, stuck for an answer said,
"It means shaving cream."
The boy did his "business" and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen, there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for a knife she ended up cutting herself. "AW FUСК!!", she yelled. "What's fuск mean mommy", the boy asked. "It means stuffing the turkey."
Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door and said,
"Hello b*tches and ваsтаrds, may I take your diскs and сunтs? Dad's in the bathroom putting shiт on his face and Mom is in the kitchen f*cking the turkey!
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Great truths that little children have learned:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
Great truths that adults have learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge... Mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Great truths about growing old
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
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