Dad Jokes

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I was getting ready to go to choir practice when I heard my dad say, "Don't forget a bucket."
Confused, I replied, "A bucket? Why?"
“You’ll need something to help you carry a tune."

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My dad used to always warn me about аnаl. He would say "Now son, this may hurt a bit".

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I just came from home and I got a bad grade on my test.
Bully: Hahahaha, you fail!
Me: So did your dad's condom
Bully: ...

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A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.
After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut.
Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.
The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad.
Looking at it they see under math an A+.
Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, “What changed your mind about learning math?”
The son looked at mom and dad and said, “Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher’s desk and I knew they meant business.”

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A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.
- ”
“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking. ”
“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth. ”
“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike! “

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A young farm-girl answers the door and sees an older neighbour standing there.
“My Dad ain’t home,” the young girl says, “but I know what you want and I am sure I can help you. You want our bull to service your соw. Well, my Dad charges four hundred bucks for his best bull.”
“That’s not I want,” growled the neighbour
“We also have a young bull who is just starting out. My Dad charges three hundred bucks for him,” she replies.
“That’s not I want either,” growls the neighbour.
“Well then, we have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do the job. My Dad charges only one hundred bucks for him.” she informs him.
“That’s not what I want at all. I came here to see your Dad about your brother. Your brother made my daughter pregnant,” the neighbour hisses.
“Oh. I guess you’ll have to see my Dad about that then, because I don’t know what he charges for him.”

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Dad and son are in the living room when dad’s feet get cold. “Get my slippers from upstairs,” He says to his son. ……
……
While upstairs he sees two of his sister’s friends, so he goes up to both of them, “My Dad told me to come up here and fuск both of you.” ….
….
“You’re lying” they retort. ….
…..
Okay, I’ll prove it then: (loudly) “Dad, did you say both of them?”
“Of course. What would be the point of fuскing one?”

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“Happy 18th son! All these presents are just for you!”
After ripping them open excitedly, he said “Dad, all these boxes are empty…”
“I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fсuк out!”

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A son is in his room and the mom comes in and says do you need to shower and he said yeah I need to shower and the Mom says you can shower with me if you don't look up or down as soon as the get in the shower the son looks up and asks the Mom what are those and the Mom answer and says those are headlights then he looks down and asked what's that she says it's the tunnel the next day the dad asked the son do you need to shower the son said yes and the dad said you can shower with me as long as you don't look down as soon as they get in the shower the son looks down and says what's that and the dad says that's a train that night he has a nightmare and asked his head parents if he could sleep with them and the say as long as you don't look under the covers once he gets in the bed the son looks under the covers and says "MOM TURN ON THE HEADLIGHTS THE TRAINS GOING IN THE TUNNEL"

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A father asked his daughter, "What do you see in that boy? That kid has his head sсrеwеd on backwards!"
"No he doesn’t dad, that’s how kids wear ball caps these days."

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Hey Dad, can you pass the salt?
I don't know, son, can you pass the semester?

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My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, 'Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.'
'Well father, I forgot.' My dad looked at me, 'Well, what if I forget to go to work tomorrow?' I'd say, 'Well, you could mow the lawn. What's the problem?'

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Any kid that has any problem now, they just shove pills down their mouth. Like, every kid 17 years old, 'Oh, we got him on Prozac.' What does a 17-year-old need Prozac for to get through life? When I was 17, my dad's version of anti-depressants would be to, like, hold my head underwater 'til I got a little more excited about living.

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A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of роттy training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta рее," when he had to go to the bathroom.
His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to рее. Whisper!"
That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other.
Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?"
The child looks at his dad and says,
"I've gotta whisper!"
Pastor says,
"It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear."

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A politician was walking home from the county courthouse the evening of Election Day when he came upon a young boy sitting on the curb, bawling his eyes out.
"Why are you crying?" the politician asked.
"My dad died," the boy replied.
"That's terrible, when did it happen?"
"Five years ago," the boy said.
"Five years ago? And you are still this upset?"
"It's not that," the boy said. "It's just that my dad voted today, but he didn't come to see me."

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A boy is asking his dad some last questions before his dad died. The boy was asking questions his dad would never answer.
Boy: Who did you love most?
Dad: My parents, obviously.
Boy: Why do you hate Mom?
Dad: She assaulted me before you were born..
Boy: What was the biggest mistake of your life?
Dad: Adopting you. *dies*
Boy: ...

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Mum: where should I keep my money everywhere I put it my kids steal it?
Dad: keep it in books

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One day a littil boy took a shower with his dad he told the littil boy not to look dowen but the boy did and asked 'wats that'? his dad replied its a snake. the next day the boy took as shower with his mom and she told him not to look up or dowen but the boy did and asked 'whats that'? she sayd head lights and a bush. One day the littil boy walked in on them having sеx and sayd "mom turn on your head lights theres a snake in your bush!"

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